This year I have been struggling a bit with Christmas being Jesus's birthday and how to celebrate that. I keep thinking "when I have kids I will ..." "when I get married we will..." Not sure why I can't start anything now.
For me birthdays are the big deal with lots of presents all about you. Christmas is about Jesus and family and spending time together and giving to others.
So what does that look like? Currently it looks like going through my closets and taking a sack full of goodies down to the Open Door Mission. Donating money to and buying stuff for Christmas in Village One, and just generally trying to be nicer to people and show them the love of Christ.
But tonight I sat down to make my Christmas lists. My list of things I need to buy for the ones I love. I am 100% behind the idea of buying things because I see something you would love, not because I need to buy you something. And that is the standard rule I follow when it comes to my friends. Which can get a little akward at times due to them giving me gifts and me not getting them anything in return, but Christmas isnt and shouldnt be about buying things just for the sake of buying them.
But family, that is a different story. In my family we draw names between my siblings and inlaws. Then we either do a group gift or individual for my parents and now there are 3 grandkids.
We also send out lists, so people have something to go off of. I started making out lists and ideas of what I want to buy one of my sisils (who I have this year) and already had some stuff in mind prior to recieving her actual list. I know one thing for sure and will go to the mall tomorrow (maybe if I ever go to bed) to look at some other stuff on her list. My parents are done thanks to a group gift this year, which I just need to wrap before they come to town on Thursday (even though they prob wont come into my apartment).
As I starting thinking about what to buy my niece and nephews I got a little overwhelmed. Not so much about what to buy a 3 yr old and two 1 yr olds, cuz I have their lists and like I said before birthdays are a bigger deal to me so Christmas is going to be an outfit and toy or book or movie. But I got overwhelmed at the thought that one child will have 6 people buying for them. And if I know my family there will a bit of over buying. It also stresses me out thinking about the possiblity of duplicate gifts. When we draw names I can just call my mom and confirm with her what she is buying, and then all I have to think about is the outlaws of married siblings if I have their name. But with the kids there are 5 other houses I need to contact. For some reason at their birthdays this did not worry me but now I am stressing.
Definetly going to call my mom tomorrow and talk about it to her and probably my little sister as well. So I will know 2 of the 5, hopefully.
Also a got a little stressed when I realized that Christmas is a little over 10 days away and I have to shop, wrap and ship all my presents this week to guarentee that they will get there before Christmas. And now that I thought about that I just got more stressed.
I went from fun night of Christmas planning watching Polar Express and drinking hot cocoa to stressing out. Hopefully I can turn off my brain and get some sleep so I can go in early to do shopping instead of waiting til 6pm when everyone is off work and the stores get crazy.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Good Enough
I walked into church this morning not feeling good enough.
Feeling like there was no way the man sitting a few rows in front of me would ever be interested in me.
That I wasn't:
tall enough
skinny enough
blonde enough
stylish enough
I lacked any self confidence that would make up for some of my physical lackings.
As I sat in church and felt bad about myself my pastor started speaking about Col 2:13-23.
Usually I pay attention and take detailed notes as if I am in a class and will someday have a test over everything I have learned. But today I spaced out. I let the lack of sleep and coffee and self worth take over.
I laughed at Pastor Mark's comedy not because I thought it was funny but because I felt I had to.
And then he said, "Therefore do not let anyone judge you." and I started paying attention.
He talked about legalism and the measuring stick we use to see how we are doing.
He talked about how we do things for the benefit of others, not for the benefit of God.
Then, THEN he talked about how we should use the measuring stick to measure against God's perfection. And how that leads not to trying harder to fix it ourselves but to a deeper dependence on God.
He summed it up by saying that we don't have to live up to the human standard.
And I smiled. A big dorky inside joke smile.
God knows me, He KNOWS me. He knows what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. He knows that if He tries and tells me something early or later, that it will go in one ear and out the other.
He knows that if I would have walked out of service feeling the way I walked in, that the rest of the day would have been lost. I would have pouted in the corner at our leaders meeting, and backed out of leading this year. I would have come home and bawled about my brother and sisil selling their house and moving in less than a month. I would have drunk myself silly that my parents left shortly after I showed up.
But none of that happened. Because someone who loves me more than I can imagine made sure that I heard the exact words that I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear it.
I am beyond blessed.
Feeling like there was no way the man sitting a few rows in front of me would ever be interested in me.
That I wasn't:
tall enough
skinny enough
blonde enough
stylish enough
I lacked any self confidence that would make up for some of my physical lackings.
As I sat in church and felt bad about myself my pastor started speaking about Col 2:13-23.
Usually I pay attention and take detailed notes as if I am in a class and will someday have a test over everything I have learned. But today I spaced out. I let the lack of sleep and coffee and self worth take over.
I laughed at Pastor Mark's comedy not because I thought it was funny but because I felt I had to.
And then he said, "Therefore do not let anyone judge you." and I started paying attention.
He talked about legalism and the measuring stick we use to see how we are doing.
He talked about how we do things for the benefit of others, not for the benefit of God.
Then, THEN he talked about how we should use the measuring stick to measure against God's perfection. And how that leads not to trying harder to fix it ourselves but to a deeper dependence on God.
He summed it up by saying that we don't have to live up to the human standard.
And I smiled. A big dorky inside joke smile.
God knows me, He KNOWS me. He knows what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. He knows that if He tries and tells me something early or later, that it will go in one ear and out the other.
He knows that if I would have walked out of service feeling the way I walked in, that the rest of the day would have been lost. I would have pouted in the corner at our leaders meeting, and backed out of leading this year. I would have come home and bawled about my brother and sisil selling their house and moving in less than a month. I would have drunk myself silly that my parents left shortly after I showed up.
But none of that happened. Because someone who loves me more than I can imagine made sure that I heard the exact words that I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear it.
I am beyond blessed.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Sin and Forgiveness
For many years I led a very unChristian life. Even after "becoming" a Christian I continued to do what I wanted and sacrificed nothing.
For the last two years I have tried harder to live a life like Christ. To sacrifice more and sin less. I had put the past behind me and moved on.
This weekend the past came out with a fury. I was reminded of the life I once lived and all the guilt and pain that came with it came flooding back. A friend tried to encourage me and remind me that those experiences made me who I am today and to regret nothing. I take no solice in that statement.
I only have one major regret in life, something I wish I hadn't done, and yes the past has brought me to where I am today, which doesn't totally suck. But the past has also left me messed up and broken, wondering who could ever love and accept me.
In church today we discussed that everyone pays for sin but no one has gone to far from the love of God. God is perfect and flawless and forgives all my failures and loves me and accepts me, sin and all.
Humans are not as loving and forgiving. Humans while created in God's image, are not God and can not always look past the faults and failures of the human form.
What are we supposed to do with that? How does one deal with their own forgiveness from God, with the knowledge that their human partner may not forgive? How does one find a human partner in all that mess?
For the last two years I have tried harder to live a life like Christ. To sacrifice more and sin less. I had put the past behind me and moved on.
This weekend the past came out with a fury. I was reminded of the life I once lived and all the guilt and pain that came with it came flooding back. A friend tried to encourage me and remind me that those experiences made me who I am today and to regret nothing. I take no solice in that statement.
I only have one major regret in life, something I wish I hadn't done, and yes the past has brought me to where I am today, which doesn't totally suck. But the past has also left me messed up and broken, wondering who could ever love and accept me.
In church today we discussed that everyone pays for sin but no one has gone to far from the love of God. God is perfect and flawless and forgives all my failures and loves me and accepts me, sin and all.
Humans are not as loving and forgiving. Humans while created in God's image, are not God and can not always look past the faults and failures of the human form.
What are we supposed to do with that? How does one deal with their own forgiveness from God, with the knowledge that their human partner may not forgive? How does one find a human partner in all that mess?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Things sure do change
As I was driving home last night at 3am from a guy's house all I could think about was that if I had been doing that less then 10yrs ago, heck even 5 yrs ago it would have been for completely different reasons.
8 years ago I would have been still drunk, fighting to stay inbetween the lines and stopping at all the signs, after having sex with a guy who only liked me because he liked having sex with me, and I only liked because he paid attention to me.
Last night I was completely sober, obeyed all traffic rules, after playing RockBand with several friends who enjoy each other for who we are.
Not to say the old thoughts didn't cross my mind, as I made myself mixed drinks. How easy it would be to pour a bit more alcohol into my glass, how I could get drunk, and have to spend the night because I couldn't drive. How easy it would be to crawl into his bed, and to kiss his lips.
All of those thoughts went through my head and at the end of the night as the group sat on the couches, some sobering up, some (me) trying to wake up, but something was different. I was no longer the lonely desprite girl from all those years ago. I no longer needed to have that moment in order to feel like I was worth something to someone.
Moments like that in my life, when I dont need to get drunk to have a good time, and I don't seek approval in someone else, make me think. Is this something that has happened with age, or is this the work of God? Some days like when I am working with my 19yr old coworkers with little to no work ethic, I know that it is an age thing. Other moments like when I am taking care of my drunk friends who are the same age or older then me I know it is a God thing. [slight side track: Me not getting drunk is also a bit of a control thing. I know I don't need to drink to have a good time, but I am also afraid of losing control and doing something stupid so I don't get drunk anymore. Totally just realized that] I know that God has changed me, and shown me that I am enough as I am. That I don't need to seek approval in others, especially men. I feel like a completely different person from that girl driving home drunk 8 yrs ago. Like Ted from HIMYM told Robin, I have become my own doppelganger.
8 years ago I would have been still drunk, fighting to stay inbetween the lines and stopping at all the signs, after having sex with a guy who only liked me because he liked having sex with me, and I only liked because he paid attention to me.
Last night I was completely sober, obeyed all traffic rules, after playing RockBand with several friends who enjoy each other for who we are.
Not to say the old thoughts didn't cross my mind, as I made myself mixed drinks. How easy it would be to pour a bit more alcohol into my glass, how I could get drunk, and have to spend the night because I couldn't drive. How easy it would be to crawl into his bed, and to kiss his lips.
All of those thoughts went through my head and at the end of the night as the group sat on the couches, some sobering up, some (me) trying to wake up, but something was different. I was no longer the lonely desprite girl from all those years ago. I no longer needed to have that moment in order to feel like I was worth something to someone.
Moments like that in my life, when I dont need to get drunk to have a good time, and I don't seek approval in someone else, make me think. Is this something that has happened with age, or is this the work of God? Some days like when I am working with my 19yr old coworkers with little to no work ethic, I know that it is an age thing. Other moments like when I am taking care of my drunk friends who are the same age or older then me I know it is a God thing. [slight side track: Me not getting drunk is also a bit of a control thing. I know I don't need to drink to have a good time, but I am also afraid of losing control and doing something stupid so I don't get drunk anymore. Totally just realized that] I know that God has changed me, and shown me that I am enough as I am. That I don't need to seek approval in others, especially men. I feel like a completely different person from that girl driving home drunk 8 yrs ago. Like Ted from HIMYM told Robin, I have become my own doppelganger.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I have so much to say
I keep meaning to post. I really do. I want this to be more apart of my life. But every time I have something to say I am not near a computer or insert a thousand other excuses here.
Right now primary excuse is my head is full of coffee and tea and sounds of the coffee shop and sickness and desire to go to my apartment but there is no water there so I am here in case i need to pee or something.
It is also full of thoughts on relationships and trying to figure out how to interact with men who I am attracted to but can't date and dont know how they feel about me. And trying to figure out what it means when they are nice to me even though I am sure they are just being friendly and not trying to get into my pants.
Right now primary excuse is my head is full of coffee and tea and sounds of the coffee shop and sickness and desire to go to my apartment but there is no water there so I am here in case i need to pee or something.
It is also full of thoughts on relationships and trying to figure out how to interact with men who I am attracted to but can't date and dont know how they feel about me. And trying to figure out what it means when they are nice to me even though I am sure they are just being friendly and not trying to get into my pants.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I am sorry we can't be friends
I was asked the other day by one of my coworkers if we could still be friends after he told me he wasn't into that "thing" I do on Sundays. My response, even though I knew he was kidding about our friendship ending, was that I don't believe in Christianity in a box. This very short conversation lead to me thinking.
How is the world supposed to know how awesome Jesus is if they don't interact with people who already know?
But how often is that exactly what happens, how often do Christians keep Jesus to themselves and their other Christian friends, either by only be friends with other Christians of by not telling their non-Christian friends about Jesus, which I must admit is me.
All my friends, Christian and non, know that I go to church on Sundays, and Bible study on Thursdays. They know that I believe in Jesus, and his teachings, and do things like not sear around me (because Christians never swear. Different topic for a different time). But how much do they really see Jesus in how I act, how much do I actively and openly share with them about what God is doing in my life?
Ever since that short conversation with my friend, I have wanted to dig in deep discussion with him about his feelings on Jesus and his past experiences, since he had "done the church thing before." I hope the reason he stopped it short was that we were at work and had customers around, and not that he thought he couldn't have that conversation with me.
I guess since it is a new year, maybe I should make a new years resolution.
In 2011, I resolve to have more of those conversation with ALL my friends, to find out what they believe, and to inform them of God's workings in my life.
To not just speak it but to live it.
How is the world supposed to know how awesome Jesus is if they don't interact with people who already know?
But how often is that exactly what happens, how often do Christians keep Jesus to themselves and their other Christian friends, either by only be friends with other Christians of by not telling their non-Christian friends about Jesus, which I must admit is me.
All my friends, Christian and non, know that I go to church on Sundays, and Bible study on Thursdays. They know that I believe in Jesus, and his teachings, and do things like not sear around me (because Christians never swear. Different topic for a different time). But how much do they really see Jesus in how I act, how much do I actively and openly share with them about what God is doing in my life?
Ever since that short conversation with my friend, I have wanted to dig in deep discussion with him about his feelings on Jesus and his past experiences, since he had "done the church thing before." I hope the reason he stopped it short was that we were at work and had customers around, and not that he thought he couldn't have that conversation with me.
I guess since it is a new year, maybe I should make a new years resolution.
In 2011, I resolve to have more of those conversation with ALL my friends, to find out what they believe, and to inform them of God's workings in my life.
To not just speak it but to live it.
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