And there is a man who loves God with his whole heart and is fearishously pursuing God who has seen none of my broken, who knows none of my hurt, who is spending time with me not knowing what he is walking into.
And the refreshing feeling that comes from not having to hide anything from guy 1 has me in fear that the moment guy 2 learns any of this, that he will run. That he will judge and blame and walk away. That no love of God will keep him in my life.
The current predicament I am in, is that I have shown myself, sin and faults and all to a man who I won't marry, and now I am scared and worried about showing myself to any other man and being rejected. Not being accepted and loved and cared for because of this grossness that I have hidden for so long. Even though it was hard and hurt to expose myself to this man it's refreshing to know that he isn't going anywhere. That our relationship, our friendship is fully intact. And I want to so badly so deeply just confess those things to man 2, just to get it out of the way. To not get invested to not get in to deep, to not be tied in emotionally and have him walk away. Have him see my sin, see my faults and turn and walk away.
But what if he doesn't? What if he loves me the way God loves me? What if he can look past my mistakes, past my faults and see the broken but forgiven human being that God made me to be?
