July 4

The fourth of July was never anything special to me growing up. My family never did anything special. Maybe when I was really little we would get together with the cousins and play with sparklers, and the neighbor kids and us would play with smoke bombs all day. But as I got older all it really meant was that we were going to grill out. If it didn't fall on a weekend it meant my dad would come home at 4 instead of 5 or 6.

When I was younger this didnt really matter much to me. All I cared about was summer and staying out til the street lights came on. As I got older and got friends (that sounds weird but you know what I mean) I became increasingly aware of how not "normal" this was. My friends would always have these HUGE parties with their families that consisteted of the day on the boat and fishing and camping and fireworks and food and all their family in one place. It was like the large summer gathering for their family. And I would be at home with my parents and my sister (cuz by that time my brothers had either moved out or were with their friends) and we no longer did as much things with the cousins.



Now as an "adult" it slightly bothers me, mostly in the I am usually stuck with nothing to do sort of way, that my family never really celebrated this day. Which is really kinda sad and pathetic when you think about why it bothers me.



This fourth I will most likely be celebrating with one or maybe more of our nations finest. Which sounds super weird to call them that bc they are my dorky little cousins. One who broke his arm on mother's day at our grandma's house by running into a street sign and the other who I am truly amazed didn't kill himself years ago. It is rather hilarous to me that those two men are fighting and serving and protecting our country. But I am proud of them and our other older cousin (brother) who is also serving (and moving to his family to Jersey cuz of said service).

I am very proud of those men even if I am not really sure what exactly they do except leave their wives and kids and go overseas.

But even if I won't get to be with them this year, I will still celebrate them and all they do.

Nothing witty to say

I really don't have much to say at all, just the same ole, same ole. I hate applying for jobs and waiting to hear back and overthinking after job interviews and feeling for that moment in time that my self worth is determined by if I get this job or not.
I am currently REALLY upset about the LaVista job that interview went well and was told I would get a second interview but haven't yet even though I have called the guy twice. My sisil tried to make me feel better by informing me that it was over a month after her interview that she got a call back about a second interview for her current job. It will be a month tomorrow since I had the interview. I feel like crap.

In other awesome news the boys behind the counter at Paneras are talking about Sciencetology (or however you spell Tom Cruise religion) and made up religions based on science fiction. They have made my 6 hours at Panera totally worth it.

Darkness

I feel like I have been in the dark alot lately.
Maybe partly because I am literally sitting in the dark. The sun still hasn't invaded my room for the day and thus I lie in bed and write.

But honestly I have felt very in the dark about other things as well. For example, there is a concert tonight which means I am supposed to work, but I have yet to receive an email, phone call, any sort of notification as to what time I am supposed to be there. I thought about just showing up but "call times" have ranged from 4 to 5pm so I have NO clue. I sent Pam (my boss) an email last week bc I was going to be late for last weeks show and asked if she knew about the time for this week and when she responded she didn't know about this week yet and since I was late for last week I didn't hear announcements when she usually says call time but she usually sends out an email as well, so I emailed her yesterday and will probably be calling her today as well. I just feel like something happened that i don't know about, like i got fired or we aren't having a full crew and so if you didn't get an email you aren't working. i feel like it is something i should know about but I don't. I will get over it in a bit and give her a call and get things figured out. But it just makes me nervous, etc.

Other darkness, I am "suppossed" to be moving this week, but my leasing agent is pretty impossible to get ahold of and so I have these feelings like maybe I don't have the apartment, maybe I am not actually moving.

Maybe this post should be about doubt and fear instead of darkness. But I guess they are all related in some way. My doubts and fears have brought on this darkness, have brought on these feelings of being lost and confused, and everything else.
It is kinda funny and sad and loserish all at the same time but last night on "So You Think You Can Dance" one of the guys talked about how often in his life he tries so hard only to fail, and so he doesnt always put 100% into things, because of the pain that comes from that. That is how I feel today or lately or always. Ok not always just alot of the time. Or I feel right now that I feel like that alot of the time even though that is probably not true and my brain is just crowded with all this negative junk right now.

What does that look like?

As I try and let God be the ruler of my life, of my job/career situation, of my houseing situation, of the general uncertainity about my future, I am reminded of my time in college and how the ministey I was apart of had this saying "what does that look like?"
Inationally it was used in reference to loving others and being like Christ, then got adapting for all situations, due to us being college kids with wacky senses of humor. But as an adult I am again taken make to the original meaning and left wondering what it looks like to trust God with my life, fully and completely?

Does it mean not following up on job interviews because God will take care of it? Does it mean not stalking my leasing agent because she doesn't return my calls and thus God doesn't want me to have that apartment?
I kinda doubt that and I am more sure about what it doesn;t look like then what it actually looks like.
So I guess I will keep on praying and trying to figure it out.