Frustrated

The last month has been pretty frustrating for me. Lack of steady work, lack of converstations that don't involve questions about my job and future, have lead to a lack of desire for me. Having a converstation every day about my job "plan" doesn't help motivate me. Ya know what would help me is handing me a job.

I have also been slightly distracted, as I get every time the weather gets warmer, with wanting to be outside and wanting to be on the road. Which leads to my mind wandering to trying to find a band to work with and tour with them. Imagine how amazing that would be seeing the sights different city every day rocking concert every night. Amazing.
Anyone know any bands that need a fun merch girl?

My brain is overwhelming with thoughts (and brain juice. what?!) and I am not sure I will get anything out, but decided I should write bc that is what I started this blog for right? to figure stuff out, to let it be known to the world that I don't know.

I have yet again reached the point in my career search where the thought goes through my head that I will never have a job, that no one will ever hire me, and I will yet again be bouncing from couch to couch. I do have a part time job which is good for the most part but its no full time job and it won't pay the bills or have health insurance or keep me busy for 40 hours out of the week.

My motivation factor has been pretty low lately most due to the I am not good enough feeling flowing through my vains.
And all I can think about at this very moment is how my finger nails are long enough that typing is uncomfortable and that my hands need lotion. Not about how I have a half written cover letter that I need to get submitted or that I should be looking at all the jobs that are out there.

I wonder if I worked in a cardboard box with no distractions if I would get stuff done. Hmmmm thoughts.

My soap boxES

The last couple of nights I have gone on mental (and occasionally verbal) tangents about my soap box topics. For the most part I am not one to get on a soap box about anything. I believe that life is too short to get your panties in a bunch about every little thing and standing on soap boxes is a waste of time. But alas here I stand and step upon the box of soap.

The soap is the brand called singleness and Christianity.

As a young Christian female I often feel prejudiced and as though my worth is less because I refuse to settle for God's best for me. I truly and 100% believe that God is forming me to be a woman perfect for my husband and that He is also forming my husband to be perfect for me. Not that we will be perfect people but that we, in our beautiful flaws, will be perfect for each other.

I think that I have been truly blessed with some amazing friends that have the same belief as me that single or married we are all valued in God's eyes equally. Unfortunately I have been involved in churches and around others who even though they may not verbally express it (I have attended churches that have verbally expressed this) don't feel or think that way and thus treat me as less because of my singleness (like it is a disease or something).

Or even better the part that I truly love the best, is when they spend their lives trying to hook me up with ANY and EVERY single guy they know. "Hi, nice to meet you, oh your single, I have someone you should meet." Um HI I JUST met you, you know jack about me, and you think that just from learning my name and my relationship status that you know who I should spend the rest of my life with. Seriously NO.

Also as a single woman I do NOT need to see others kissing and holding hands and getting all over each in front of me. Number 1 I am not ok with PDA in general. Number 2, ,what do you think it does for me as a single woman to see that? Does it benefit me in anyway? I am glad and happy for you that you found love and want to share that with the world. But having to watch you sometimes feels like you are rubbing it in my face. If I don't feel like that, I feel like I want to make out with the next guy I see. I feel like I am missing something in my life and need to fill it with something. There are actually probably a thousand different thoughts and emotions that go through my head when I see that. And I am not saving that you can't kiss your man hello and goodbye and that you can't hold hands when you sit next to him but just think about it for a second, before you decide to sit on his lap, or rub his thigh. The other thought that goes through my head is that if you are doing this in front of me what are you doing behind closed doors. That sounds really nosey I guess but considering that most of the people I see in relationships are also single Christians and so a lot of that thought comes out of concern for them and for their hearts.

What started my recent rantings is a radio sermon I heard about female modesty. I am pro modesty and believe that women of all ages should be aware of what they are wearing and how they are acting and how this effects the men around them. But the thing that I have never once heard anyone speak about is male modesty. Maybe it is bc I am not I guy and don't go to guy's conferences but I highly doubt it. I don't know if people just don't think about it, or don't want to think about it but guys and their bodies have just as much power over women as women have over guys. Guy cleavage is just as bad as girl cleavage. Guys who wear tight shirts so you can see their beautifully sculpted pecs are inappropriate and should be scolded just as if a girl had done the same thing. Ahh it frustrates to beyond words. Mainly because of the double standard in play.

This whole double standard led to my thoughts regarding sex. I have realized that as I have gotten older I have become more conservative. I don't plan on having sex until I am married for many reasons. Out of respect for myself, respect for my future husband. I don't want to get married, go out to the mall one day and run into a guy I used to sleep with. I don't want to have that thought run through my head that he knows what I look like naked. I don't want my husband to stand there and have those thoughts run through his head.

I have also decided that when I have children whatever school I send them to is going to have some pretty serious consequences for kids in the school that get pregnant. If you impregnate someone or if someone impregnates you, you should be suspended or kicked out of school or something. It is NOT ok for babies to be having babies.

Ok I will step down now and walk away. Thank you soap box for letting me stand on you for a bit.

Snowed in

As most of you know the Midwest is currently covered in a rather large thick blanket of snow. The beauty of the blanket has been overcome by the negative forty degree windchill that is currently sweeping the lands.
This, besides making me cold, makes me want to lay in bed and dream of life in CA. Back to the days when I didn't have to put on leggings under my jeans just so I wouldn't freeze on my way out of the house, and the times when my cool when walking out of the house was to have several feet of exposed skin and not worried about having a centimeter showing and getting frost/wind burnt.
Unfortunetly staying in bed all day doesn't help the job search. In today's case neither does getting out of bed. I have sat in front of my computer for the last 4 hours and have paid a credit card bill. That's it. In 4 hours. Didn't reconnect with old friends, or send goofy emails, post pictures, nothing. Paid a bill and starred at Facebook waiting for people to change their statuses. I looked at my resumes but didn't do anything with them. Just looked at them and made sure they were still there.
I feel like a writer who is trying to write the next great American novel, as I sit and twirl my hair and contemplate what to eat/drink next and watch HGTV and think about where I could use speakers with photos on them.

Yesterday after not leaving the house for almost a week I was determined to go bowling with C (long story short we went shopping instead) and while in public I made a fool of myself many times over (not that odd) but many times in one outing was proof that I need to get out more often/interact with people who aren't my roommates or dogs.
I suppose I will apply to at least one job today.

Week in review

For the most part I have had a rather productive week. I figured out how to make pants, a new design for a hooded vest, and set up my crafting area. Picked up some fabric to make a hoodie and some other fabric stuff for my "clothing line"
I also went to a yoga and a pilates class. Yoga was fun and hurt and bit the next day but in a good way, pilates nearly killed me and laughing and moving hurt for several days afterwards. It still hurts to sneeze. My ribs seriously feel like they need to be removed. I wonder if this is what it feels like after a car accident.
I tried out a new church today. It was a pretty good experience and I am pretty sure I will give it a second try.
Oh and I had 2.5 phone interviews and set up a face to face interview for next week. Kinda nervous about the interview, especially since I have forgotten the name of the man who called me. :) But I know who I am supposed to interview with so that counts.

It also snowed today in the great city of Omaha. It looks beautiful but I know it is cold and wet and it had made me miss California and my California friends. As did church this morning and videos of Disney and Desperate Housewives and a lonely Friday night. I know I need to work hard and get a job and make the monies so I go back and visit soon, but I am just not feeling it. The job part, not the visiting part. I am really loving doing the creative thing and making the clothes. I am actually pretty sad b/c I have to spend tomorrow supervising carpet install and doing house stuff instead of spending it in my creative suite. BLAH. Oh well such is the life of the girl who is living rent free.

My story

I was thinking today as I was walking back home from dropping of yet another job application on Day 573 of the great job search. (ok it hasn't been that many days but it feels like it)
I was thinking today about how great of a story I have. I got to live in Long Beach and rock the beach California life for almost 9 months. Not that it wasn't hard to not have a job and a source of income, but it is pretty amazing that I got to do that.
I made a decision that I was stuck and needed to restart, so I quit my good job with a good income at a good company because it wasn't what I wanted in life.
Still not overly sure what I want but I know that what I had wasn't it. California gave me a great time to figure things out and refresh and get my head back into the game. Now I know what I don't want and that is to settle. I am not going to settle for anything less than what I desire. I want to make kids clothes so I am going to do it. I want to do events so I am going to do it. I want a job that will give me the chance to create and be with people and have the freedom to explore my life. So I am going to.

Had two phone interviews today and feeling good about life, except that Nebraska is cold right now and my bedroom has a goofy heater, as does "my office".
I should change and get ready to go workout but yoga last night kicked my butt and I am not sure I can do it two nights in a row. I think I will just go unpack some more, so I can continue on my life.

Lack of Motivation

When I was in Long Beach, I couldn't wait to get to Omaha and get my creativity on. Now that I am here I am having some issues. I still havent completely unpacked but I need to clean first so I can move furniture around so I can unpack. I feel like I need to unpack before I can start working on the other stuff.
I did apply for two jobs yesterday and paid bills so that is semi productive. I also went to dinner with a college friend, so that counts too right???
So far today I have checked my email, played on facebook, and watched PBS. I am looking for jobs now as well, but haven't really done much else, such as eat breakfast, or lunch since it is past noon now. :)

I told my sisal about my idea to open an Etsy shop and she was super encouraging and supportive. Now I just need to get my butt in gear and get to work.