Feelings, nothing more than feelings

This morning at 12:08am my nephew was born. Instead of being excited (even though I am, and very very happy he finally has a name) I am hurt because my I found out on Facebook. Didn't recieve a phone call or a text but Facebook, and if my oldest brother hadn't told me to check my email, I never would have realized that an email was sent this morning announcing his arrival.
This hurt my feelings, mostly bc if I wasn't spending the week out of town babysitting, and thus currently sitting in a coffee shop using their internet, I wouldn't have access to my email and wouldn't have even checked it until much later in the day. And thus I would have read Facebook and been pissy the rest of the day.

I realize this is stupid and all that matters is that he is finally here and is healthy, but it just brings up all my insecurities and what not. If my oldest brother hadn't responded to my complaint about finding out on facebook, I would have never known to check my email. I think it also upsets me bc this is the same older brother who informed the world of his engagement by email, when I had graduated from college and was living on a couch and didn't have access to the internet. Thus I hate the internet. I hate how dependent the world has gotten on it for a form a communication, especially in timely matters. Which I know I am guilty of as much as the next person but for the most part it is for minor events like lunch, not the birth of my child. I mean what if I didn't have access to the internet at all this week. I could have gone days without knowing. Not really cuz if I didn't hear anything by lunch time I would have called my mom to check in and then I would have been even more upset but it didn't happen that way.

But as I sat in the coffee shop trying not to cry and be upset about being informed this way, instead of fighting back tears of joy, I realized how easily my feelings get hurt. Which I feel kinda stupid saying because I consider myself a mostly stable person and I try not to let stuff get to me, but yeah my feelings get hurt pretty easy.

• It hurt my feelings that I found out about my nephew through an email.
• It hurt my feelings when the 8yr old that I am babysitting hit me in the chest last night for no reason.
• It hurt my feelings that one of my friends planned a trip to my city when I told her I would be out of town.

I know there are a dozen more stupid things that have hurt me, and the super sad thing is that most of them have brought me either to tears or close to tears. I really think it is just a sign that I just need a really good cry.

I think I have spent so much of my life trying to be tough and protect myself, that the stupiest little things hurt me now, and instead of telling people, I just keep it inside. What is the point of telling my brother that it hurt my feelings, when he can't go back in time and change it and it will just make him feel bad during a happy time in his life.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel this way, but at the same time I am glad that God made me this way. I am glad that I can be sympathic and express my emotions and am in tune with myself to know all of this.

Lust

I was reading an article today about a band I like. In it it was examining the many looks of the bassest's facial hair. It was a funny little article written by "super fans" and mostly just made me giggle. As they wrote and rated his hair, they gave his long straggly "hobo" look a point just for his reasoning behind having it.
He didn't want to be hit on. Their exact words were Lust = Bad.

It made me laugh b/c in college one of the hot Christian guys went through a stage of having long hair and not shaving b/c he didn't want to girls to like him. Which if you are a Christian female when you hear that reasoning, he automatically becomes more attractive then you first thought. And even if you didn't think he was attractive at all he is now the hottest guy alive.

Same thing happens to me when I hear a guy pray, like a good genuine, you can hear his love of God in his voice prayer. 20 times more attractive to me.

All of this is a horrible double edged sword.
It is so great that there are men out there that care about that sort of thing. That care about not wanting to be a stumbling block for their sisters. Unfortunately all of their good intentions go out the window since most of the time the guys doing this are already attractive and/or have been known to have great personalities.
So guys if you want to be awesome come into the situation looking like a hobo and stay that way until no one could possibly be attracted to you. Don't come in looking hot, then decide you don't like the attention so you get all nasty. Move to a new town, start a new church and be nasty and stay nasty.
2) (I know there was no 1 but whatev) Don't TELL people, ANYONE especially a girl, that that is what you are doing. That is like giving $100 to a charity and then telling everyone you just gave $100 to a charity. Bad example but I can't think of a better one right now.

I also think the whole situation is rather funny (weird, interesting, etc) bc no girl thinks that. No girl thinks I will look like a slob so no man will lust after me. I will admit that I do make a conscience effort when I go out to Christian events (which not sure why it makes a dif but oh well) to be careful about the amount of cleavage I show (aka NONE or as much as I can not have) and how tight my clothes are, etc. I also don't overly try with hair or makeup. I know I am so awesome, I just did #2 which I told guys not to do. HAHA awesome me.

I am totally rambling today bc I have so many thoughts surrounding this that lead to other thoughts about this.

I have purposefully not followed a guy on Twitter, or befriended him on Facebook (cuz that is sooo my generation and as much as I hate it, I embrace it as well) bc I have a major crush on him. I am most def lusting after him. But the fact that I haven't followed him hasn't stopped me from swinging by his pages now and then and just continuing to lust after him. I know that part of me goes to his page and such in hopes that I will see something that makes him not to attractive anymore, like back hair :), or hunting, or not liking girls. I can't really think of anything. OH he has a girlfriend that would help . But none of that has happened yet and I can't stop crushing on him. I feel better saying I have a crush on him then I am lusting after him, even though I feel it is more of that latter than the former.

How do you differentiate between the two?

10 years

My high school reunion is this weekend. I decided to go only because my girlfriends and I made the pack that if one goes we all go. I totally wish I would have backed out of that.
Five years ago I said I would only go if I was married to a hottie with a great job(me not him). I have neither of those things. I don't even have A guy, which on a side note I realized the other day that there is pretty much NO way that I will be getting married before I am 30, kinda makes me sad, but oh well.
So no guy and barely employeed. And I get to spend my Saturday night hanging out with a bunch of people I didn't really care for 10 years ago.

I had a minor freak out yesterday while trying to decide what to wear and then an even bigger one last night, when thinking about how I went to high school with some pretty big jerks. There were some pretty decent people too, but I couldn't stop thinking about those kids that spent their high school career being mean to others. Now that I have a bit more rational head then I did last night I can think about what a waste it was of their high school years.

But I still wonder and worry about what it will be like to interact with all of these people again.
I guess I will say an extra prayer before I head out on Saturday and try and forget about the past and just have fun with my friends.




Still Stressed Though

Food

Those of you that know me know that food is a pretty major part of my life, like in the "how the heck is that girl not 1000 pounds" sorta way.

The other day after eating at Red Mango and being disappointed because it was definetly no YogurtLand, I started to think about my life and eating habits and how when I lived in California there was little to no foods that I missed in the Midwest. There was the occasional desire for Dorthy Lynche (sp?) dressing and in the summer sweet corn but that was really about it.
Now that I have been back in the midwest for almost a year I miss A LOT of resturants from CA. Yogurtland is a constent miss, especially in the warm summer months. When I went to Red Mango the other night I was kinda disappointed cuz they just don't have any many flavors and all of theirs were fruity, not sweet and fun like YogurtLand (oh rootbeer you were pretty awesome)
There is also In N Out Burger which is another constent miss. My mouth is currently watering thinking about those burgers and fries. I'm not going to lie I usually felt sick if I went Animal style on both the burger and the fries, but it was delicious and worth it every time.
Then there is El Pollo Loco and any place where I can get a decent fish taco. That is what I truly miss the most, fish tacos.

I went to a so called 'Mexican" resturant the other day for lunch and decided to order their fish tacos to try them out and it was kinda like eating a fish stick in a tortilla shell with some lettuce and tomatoes. I proceeded to try and cover it with several different things to help it out but nothing worked. It still makes me sad to think about it.

So even though I love my family and am happy to finally be employeed after almost a year of unemployement, I would totally move back to Cali just for the food.

Random Blabber

As I was getting ready this morning trying to think of what I wanted to do to fill my day (i decided on sitting at Panera and applying for jobs, tomorrow I am going to do laundry and run to the bank) since I don't have to work til Friday and need to find a way to fill my days. I thought about how I have all this time on my hands but not a whole lot to do with it. I could travel and go visit people I love and haven't seen in a long time, but I can't really afford to. Which lead to me thinking about how we work so hard so we can afford to do the things we need and to do the things we want, but then once we have money to do so we don't have the time because we are busy working. I hate that thought and I really dislike money and all that comes with it, and would like to find a happy balance of being able to afford to pay the bills and having time on my hands to spend with the people I love.



I have been persuing this guy at work recently and am not sure how I feel about it all now. I feel wierd going after him because I don't know how he feels about Jesus, because I just don't really know anything about him. Except he is cute and has a chin dimple. And so I feel like I should just drop it because he could not love Jesus. But then at the same time I feel like I should just keep on this path because how will I learn how he feels about Jesus if I don't.

But I have expressed my interest in him, I have told others and others have told him. And I finally took the step and facebook friended him, with a cute little message, he accepted my request but sent no message back.
I want to be pursued. I do not want to have to make all the moves.

Which brings me to another thought, how to Christian men feel about being pursued by Christian women? I have no clue where I got this thought but I feel like it is un Christian for the girl to go after the guy. Seriously where did that thought come from? Maybe a part of it has to do with the man being the head of the household. It just leaves all of these feelings of uncertainity and doubt and take away from me as the strong powerful woman I am, and makes in harder for me to stand out and be me when I meet guys.
It is yucky and gross and I just try and remember how God thinks I am awesome and that is all that matters.

I oft wish I could crawl into a hole and never be heard from again. Only peaking out as needed to survey the occasional passer by and inquire as to their happenings.

I have been watching Vanity Fair and thus speaking (typing) as such currently but the thoughts are the same no matter how the inner dialogue comes out.

My opinion has in been inquired of recently with no actual regards to what words come out. Why ask at all if you do not care for which I speak? Have I become some sort of play for you? Or is it merely a test to see if I know words to speak and language in which to use them.
Do not think me a fool for holding back and refusing to partake in your silly little game, for I am far to old and far to wise to partake in such childs play. I will not be made the fool and as such will simply burrow into the ground in a safe little hole only to be bothered on my choosing.

Good Day!

July 4

The fourth of July was never anything special to me growing up. My family never did anything special. Maybe when I was really little we would get together with the cousins and play with sparklers, and the neighbor kids and us would play with smoke bombs all day. But as I got older all it really meant was that we were going to grill out. If it didn't fall on a weekend it meant my dad would come home at 4 instead of 5 or 6.

When I was younger this didnt really matter much to me. All I cared about was summer and staying out til the street lights came on. As I got older and got friends (that sounds weird but you know what I mean) I became increasingly aware of how not "normal" this was. My friends would always have these HUGE parties with their families that consisteted of the day on the boat and fishing and camping and fireworks and food and all their family in one place. It was like the large summer gathering for their family. And I would be at home with my parents and my sister (cuz by that time my brothers had either moved out or were with their friends) and we no longer did as much things with the cousins.



Now as an "adult" it slightly bothers me, mostly in the I am usually stuck with nothing to do sort of way, that my family never really celebrated this day. Which is really kinda sad and pathetic when you think about why it bothers me.



This fourth I will most likely be celebrating with one or maybe more of our nations finest. Which sounds super weird to call them that bc they are my dorky little cousins. One who broke his arm on mother's day at our grandma's house by running into a street sign and the other who I am truly amazed didn't kill himself years ago. It is rather hilarous to me that those two men are fighting and serving and protecting our country. But I am proud of them and our other older cousin (brother) who is also serving (and moving to his family to Jersey cuz of said service).

I am very proud of those men even if I am not really sure what exactly they do except leave their wives and kids and go overseas.

But even if I won't get to be with them this year, I will still celebrate them and all they do.

Nothing witty to say

I really don't have much to say at all, just the same ole, same ole. I hate applying for jobs and waiting to hear back and overthinking after job interviews and feeling for that moment in time that my self worth is determined by if I get this job or not.
I am currently REALLY upset about the LaVista job that interview went well and was told I would get a second interview but haven't yet even though I have called the guy twice. My sisil tried to make me feel better by informing me that it was over a month after her interview that she got a call back about a second interview for her current job. It will be a month tomorrow since I had the interview. I feel like crap.

In other awesome news the boys behind the counter at Paneras are talking about Sciencetology (or however you spell Tom Cruise religion) and made up religions based on science fiction. They have made my 6 hours at Panera totally worth it.

Darkness

I feel like I have been in the dark alot lately.
Maybe partly because I am literally sitting in the dark. The sun still hasn't invaded my room for the day and thus I lie in bed and write.

But honestly I have felt very in the dark about other things as well. For example, there is a concert tonight which means I am supposed to work, but I have yet to receive an email, phone call, any sort of notification as to what time I am supposed to be there. I thought about just showing up but "call times" have ranged from 4 to 5pm so I have NO clue. I sent Pam (my boss) an email last week bc I was going to be late for last weeks show and asked if she knew about the time for this week and when she responded she didn't know about this week yet and since I was late for last week I didn't hear announcements when she usually says call time but she usually sends out an email as well, so I emailed her yesterday and will probably be calling her today as well. I just feel like something happened that i don't know about, like i got fired or we aren't having a full crew and so if you didn't get an email you aren't working. i feel like it is something i should know about but I don't. I will get over it in a bit and give her a call and get things figured out. But it just makes me nervous, etc.

Other darkness, I am "suppossed" to be moving this week, but my leasing agent is pretty impossible to get ahold of and so I have these feelings like maybe I don't have the apartment, maybe I am not actually moving.

Maybe this post should be about doubt and fear instead of darkness. But I guess they are all related in some way. My doubts and fears have brought on this darkness, have brought on these feelings of being lost and confused, and everything else.
It is kinda funny and sad and loserish all at the same time but last night on "So You Think You Can Dance" one of the guys talked about how often in his life he tries so hard only to fail, and so he doesnt always put 100% into things, because of the pain that comes from that. That is how I feel today or lately or always. Ok not always just alot of the time. Or I feel right now that I feel like that alot of the time even though that is probably not true and my brain is just crowded with all this negative junk right now.

What does that look like?

As I try and let God be the ruler of my life, of my job/career situation, of my houseing situation, of the general uncertainity about my future, I am reminded of my time in college and how the ministey I was apart of had this saying "what does that look like?"
Inationally it was used in reference to loving others and being like Christ, then got adapting for all situations, due to us being college kids with wacky senses of humor. But as an adult I am again taken make to the original meaning and left wondering what it looks like to trust God with my life, fully and completely?

Does it mean not following up on job interviews because God will take care of it? Does it mean not stalking my leasing agent because she doesn't return my calls and thus God doesn't want me to have that apartment?
I kinda doubt that and I am more sure about what it doesn;t look like then what it actually looks like.
So I guess I will keep on praying and trying to figure it out.

Inferior

Currently I have a bit of a "celeb" crush on Joshua "Fatty" Olds. He plays bass in a band called Family Force 5. I go through phases where I think that he and I could actually be together. As though I have a real chance of meeting him (which isn't that far off, there is about 2 or 3 degrees of seperation between us) and of us falling in love. That is a happy wonderful beautiful world.
Then I look at pictures of his beautiful sister in laws. I am talking drop dead gorgeous sister in laws (sisters in law???). The type of women that you see walking down the street and wonder if they are real or just figments of your imagination. I look at those women and think about a life where I would be constently comparing myself to them. Living in the same town, touring with them, family holidays. A world where me and my size 10 jeans won't fit in with their size 2 perfect faces and perfect hair.
Every insecurity comes up in me when I look at those women. Even if I could get over my body issues, these women are talented and smart (ok not sure about the smart but I am assuming) and any thought I have of being with this man flies out the window. I am inferior to these women in so many ways. Why would he go for me when these are the examples of women he could have.

Blah sucky pitty party. I am over it. Back to my regular life where I do things like look for apartments and jobs and not dream about marrying a hottie.

Tears

I don't think I have cried so much in my life as I have in the last month. Mostly tears of saddness and pain and confusion, with a few drops of love and joy.



I think even when I lived in CA and didnt know where my money was coming from and whose couch I was going to sleep on next I didn't shed this many tears. Partly bc I didn't have a place to do so.



I don't think I ever realized how hard living with family would be/is. I also never realized how I suck a communication and telling people what I want/need and where I am at in life. I really am such an independent person that it is truly truly hard for me to reach out to others. For me to tell others what I am thinking, how I am feeling, what my plans and ideas are is like pulling teeth. But I love talking to people and I am definetly an extrovert in that I often feel like if I dont tell someone then it isn't real. But yet I keep pretty much everything inside. All the big stuff anyway.

Moments like this and nights like tonight make me wonder how/if I will ever have a successful relationship. Romantic or otherwise.

I found out today that a guy I know got married. I had no clue that he was in a serious relationship so it came as a total surprise to me. To be totally honest, I felt betrayed. Not like I am overly close to this guy who that he would even call me or say hi to me in the mall (He is in a band and I have worked with him on several concerts but I feel non rememberable to him, which is a whole other story)

I feel officially crazy that my reaction to this news was that. But betrayal probably isn't the right word either.



As I mentioned earlier he is in a band, and said band is performing in town tonight. I have gone back and forth all week about going. I enjoy their music and enjoy supporting smaller bands but also back to earlier because I have this wierd relationship with him and the band as a whole, who I know but don't know or they don't know me or whatever. It has feels wierd to have those sort of relationships but I do, I have several of them actually. I guess that is what happens when you don't let people get close to you. Or you just have a really good memory and other people dont.

So when I learned today that he got married yesterday it made the decision for me not to go to the concert. That is right. I found out he is married and so I am not going.



Is he even going to be there? He got married yesterday he shouldn't be there. He should be hanging with his new wife.

I am not sure why I have such strong feelings towards this but I do, almost to the point of convictions.

Maybe it is all because if I fell in love with a rockstar I would want him to take alot of time off around our wedding. I want to love being Mrs. Rockstar for a week before he goes back on the road.

Just when things start looking up

Here I sat thinking that I was starting to have a plan, starting to figure out the world and I get ambushed and thrown in my face that I am living in a world of fantasy.



Because I don't wanto to cry again I will spare the details and just go with the general statement that when the going gets tough the tough get going. And for me that means I want to run away. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out again til the coast is clear.



Also just for the record so that every one (1) who reads this understands. I am been un/under employed for the last year. I also have not really talked about the process because frankly it is rather depressing that in the past year I have sent out more resumes and applications then I care to count and as a result now have two part time jobs. One that I have had since February and one that I have had for a week, but technically haven't started yet and actually won't get a paycheck from them until June.

This has been the hardest year of my life and frankly I would just rather not talk about. Journaling about it is a whole 'nother story.

Seriously God

The past couple of weeks I have been wrestling over what to do about a pretty large and serious work situation that I can't really talk about which totally sucks. Partly bc that is totally not me, I need to talk stuff out and process it all. But the basics of it are me trying to decide what I want to do for the next year plus. Pros are job security and having a plan. Cons are 80 hour work week and being tied to something for an undetermined amount of time.
As I have been examining this and trying to pray about it I received a phone call about a part time job opportunity at a company that would get my foot in the door in the right place. But it is part time and just for the summer, so if I got it it could work in with plan a, but plan a doesn't really allow for me to advance at company b.
THEN after my phone interview with company b I got a phone call today to come in to meet with company c. Company c doesn't have a lot going for it except that it would be another job and added income.
After I got off the phone with company c today all I could think was "God is this your way of telling me not to go with plan a"
Seriously God what is going on?
What is YOUR plan?

My place in this world

"I'm looking for a reason, trying to find a place in this world, my place in this world"
I was never good at song lyrics and to save my life I can't tell you who sings it but it is in my head as I think about where I belong.

I have been in Omaha since the end of November and have a part time job that I don't hate, a church that is mega, a bible study with wonderful women and the Bible, and some wonderfully random friends.
I definetly have no path, no mission, no true north. On Sunday my pastor gave us an assignment. To write up our personal mission statement. Not what we WANT it to be, but what it truly is. I obviously have not done this for several reasons, one being my laziness and another being my total desire not to be honest with myself or anyone else for that manner.

I would love to say that my mission is to glorify God in all ways possible, but that is not true. I think that if I were to be completely true with myself I would say that my mission is to get through the day.
How pathetic is that. That is my life goal, that is what guides me no matter my situation or location. I fail as a Christian. I fail at life. I fill my days with stupid pointless things, like the last 10 minutes watching videos on YouTube, so I don't have to think about how I am living in my brothers basement or that I spend most of my time there or that I will never have a job that I want and love or get married or anything of those thoughts that fill your mind in a depressed state.

On Sunday my after church thought was about how I keep waiting. I was waiting to move to California to do xyz, then it was, I wanted to wait to do certain things when I moved to Omaha. Waiting for spring, waiting for summer, waiting for a full time job, waiting til I have a place of my own, waiting til I get married.
One would think that these thoughts would motivate me to get off my behind and get to work on some of these things, but not so much. Cuz I am just trying to make it through the day.

Looking Back

For whatever reason after my last post I decided to look back over my posts from the last 7 months. Ok I do know why, partly bc I was slacking off and partly bc i wanted to see if it was appropriate enough to post a link to this page so my friends could read about my randomly writings about being jobless (my add just kicked in and while looking at the ceiling of the coffee shop I noticed giant nails sticking out. What if someone was super tall and jumped? they could totally get a nail through their head)
I realized something when looking at my past writings, besides that I am totally random, that in the last year I haven't really shared with anyone (except a few of my fellow underemployeed friends) exactly what I am going through.
No one really knows how I spend my days. I have spent the last year with an average of 4 -8 a day, seven days a week, searching the internet for jobs that I want to do and am qualified for. I have sent out more resumes than I care to count. I have stared at job descriptions and thought about how overqualified I am, or how I would love this job but there is no way they would pick me.
I have discovered that after spending a day looking and applying to jobs I usually want to curl up in bed and not think about it for the next 24. When I lived in CA, I would have used that next day to go to the beach and read or plan trips to Disneyland (which I miss more than words right now) or watch random crappy reality tv and dream about being my own reality show.

In other news that has nothing to do with looking back except that I have had this thought several times over. I would LOVE to tour with a band. Be their merchadise girl for a summer or something like that. Driving from city to city, sleeping in a bus, showering once a week. Yeah a little gross but that would be soo amazing. Hmmm how do you get a job doing that?

P.S. There is a Dave Matthews song playing in the coffee house right now. I really like Dave Matthews.

Coffee Shop Worker

As I sit in the coffee shop, pretending to work but really just staring off into space, I am reminded of how often I have thought about working at a coffee shop.
But as I sit here and look around at the other patrons sitting and sipping, typing and talking, I glance at the barista as she stands at the counter by herself, saying hello to the first new person to walk in in the last 20 minutes and go about making a drink before she goes back to standing behind the counter, counting change and replacing cups. I wonder if she is lonely up there all by herself. Just waiting for one of us who have had our drinks and using the store for its warmth and internet and buying coffee more out of neccesity then desire (though in my case it is both) to want a refill.
I wonder if she is lonley and desires for someone to spark up a converstation with her (as I know I would want if I was her) or if she enjoys her time of solitude with minor interuptions to create a wonderful drink.
Does she think of new ways to mix the flavors and wait for fellow employees to come in so she can try out her newest creation. Does she secretly put whole milk in when people ask for non-fat?
Does she write songs in her head, sneaking away for moments to write them down? Or is she solving math problems just to keep her brain fresh?
Does she make up stories about what the patrons are doing in her little coffee shop, like I am creating stories about her?

Frustrated

The last month has been pretty frustrating for me. Lack of steady work, lack of converstations that don't involve questions about my job and future, have lead to a lack of desire for me. Having a converstation every day about my job "plan" doesn't help motivate me. Ya know what would help me is handing me a job.

I have also been slightly distracted, as I get every time the weather gets warmer, with wanting to be outside and wanting to be on the road. Which leads to my mind wandering to trying to find a band to work with and tour with them. Imagine how amazing that would be seeing the sights different city every day rocking concert every night. Amazing.
Anyone know any bands that need a fun merch girl?

My brain is overwhelming with thoughts (and brain juice. what?!) and I am not sure I will get anything out, but decided I should write bc that is what I started this blog for right? to figure stuff out, to let it be known to the world that I don't know.

I have yet again reached the point in my career search where the thought goes through my head that I will never have a job, that no one will ever hire me, and I will yet again be bouncing from couch to couch. I do have a part time job which is good for the most part but its no full time job and it won't pay the bills or have health insurance or keep me busy for 40 hours out of the week.

My motivation factor has been pretty low lately most due to the I am not good enough feeling flowing through my vains.
And all I can think about at this very moment is how my finger nails are long enough that typing is uncomfortable and that my hands need lotion. Not about how I have a half written cover letter that I need to get submitted or that I should be looking at all the jobs that are out there.

I wonder if I worked in a cardboard box with no distractions if I would get stuff done. Hmmmm thoughts.

My soap boxES

The last couple of nights I have gone on mental (and occasionally verbal) tangents about my soap box topics. For the most part I am not one to get on a soap box about anything. I believe that life is too short to get your panties in a bunch about every little thing and standing on soap boxes is a waste of time. But alas here I stand and step upon the box of soap.

The soap is the brand called singleness and Christianity.

As a young Christian female I often feel prejudiced and as though my worth is less because I refuse to settle for God's best for me. I truly and 100% believe that God is forming me to be a woman perfect for my husband and that He is also forming my husband to be perfect for me. Not that we will be perfect people but that we, in our beautiful flaws, will be perfect for each other.

I think that I have been truly blessed with some amazing friends that have the same belief as me that single or married we are all valued in God's eyes equally. Unfortunately I have been involved in churches and around others who even though they may not verbally express it (I have attended churches that have verbally expressed this) don't feel or think that way and thus treat me as less because of my singleness (like it is a disease or something).

Or even better the part that I truly love the best, is when they spend their lives trying to hook me up with ANY and EVERY single guy they know. "Hi, nice to meet you, oh your single, I have someone you should meet." Um HI I JUST met you, you know jack about me, and you think that just from learning my name and my relationship status that you know who I should spend the rest of my life with. Seriously NO.

Also as a single woman I do NOT need to see others kissing and holding hands and getting all over each in front of me. Number 1 I am not ok with PDA in general. Number 2, ,what do you think it does for me as a single woman to see that? Does it benefit me in anyway? I am glad and happy for you that you found love and want to share that with the world. But having to watch you sometimes feels like you are rubbing it in my face. If I don't feel like that, I feel like I want to make out with the next guy I see. I feel like I am missing something in my life and need to fill it with something. There are actually probably a thousand different thoughts and emotions that go through my head when I see that. And I am not saving that you can't kiss your man hello and goodbye and that you can't hold hands when you sit next to him but just think about it for a second, before you decide to sit on his lap, or rub his thigh. The other thought that goes through my head is that if you are doing this in front of me what are you doing behind closed doors. That sounds really nosey I guess but considering that most of the people I see in relationships are also single Christians and so a lot of that thought comes out of concern for them and for their hearts.

What started my recent rantings is a radio sermon I heard about female modesty. I am pro modesty and believe that women of all ages should be aware of what they are wearing and how they are acting and how this effects the men around them. But the thing that I have never once heard anyone speak about is male modesty. Maybe it is bc I am not I guy and don't go to guy's conferences but I highly doubt it. I don't know if people just don't think about it, or don't want to think about it but guys and their bodies have just as much power over women as women have over guys. Guy cleavage is just as bad as girl cleavage. Guys who wear tight shirts so you can see their beautifully sculpted pecs are inappropriate and should be scolded just as if a girl had done the same thing. Ahh it frustrates to beyond words. Mainly because of the double standard in play.

This whole double standard led to my thoughts regarding sex. I have realized that as I have gotten older I have become more conservative. I don't plan on having sex until I am married for many reasons. Out of respect for myself, respect for my future husband. I don't want to get married, go out to the mall one day and run into a guy I used to sleep with. I don't want to have that thought run through my head that he knows what I look like naked. I don't want my husband to stand there and have those thoughts run through his head.

I have also decided that when I have children whatever school I send them to is going to have some pretty serious consequences for kids in the school that get pregnant. If you impregnate someone or if someone impregnates you, you should be suspended or kicked out of school or something. It is NOT ok for babies to be having babies.

Ok I will step down now and walk away. Thank you soap box for letting me stand on you for a bit.

Snowed in

As most of you know the Midwest is currently covered in a rather large thick blanket of snow. The beauty of the blanket has been overcome by the negative forty degree windchill that is currently sweeping the lands.
This, besides making me cold, makes me want to lay in bed and dream of life in CA. Back to the days when I didn't have to put on leggings under my jeans just so I wouldn't freeze on my way out of the house, and the times when my cool when walking out of the house was to have several feet of exposed skin and not worried about having a centimeter showing and getting frost/wind burnt.
Unfortunetly staying in bed all day doesn't help the job search. In today's case neither does getting out of bed. I have sat in front of my computer for the last 4 hours and have paid a credit card bill. That's it. In 4 hours. Didn't reconnect with old friends, or send goofy emails, post pictures, nothing. Paid a bill and starred at Facebook waiting for people to change their statuses. I looked at my resumes but didn't do anything with them. Just looked at them and made sure they were still there.
I feel like a writer who is trying to write the next great American novel, as I sit and twirl my hair and contemplate what to eat/drink next and watch HGTV and think about where I could use speakers with photos on them.

Yesterday after not leaving the house for almost a week I was determined to go bowling with C (long story short we went shopping instead) and while in public I made a fool of myself many times over (not that odd) but many times in one outing was proof that I need to get out more often/interact with people who aren't my roommates or dogs.
I suppose I will apply to at least one job today.