What do non-Catholics do on Ash Wednesday?

As a former Catholic and current Christian, Ash Wednesday is a weird day for me. 

I feel like I should do something. But not sure exactly what. 

Going to Catholic mass isn't really an option, as I have some pretty mixed feelings about that whole thing still. (15 years after I actively stopped attending mass)  

One of my friends agreed stating "#iwanttheashes #idontwanttheashes" 

It's not even so much the ashes that I want/don't want. 

Maybe it's the sense of community that used to come from attending Ash Wednesday services and being marked for the world to see. 

Maybe it's my current desire to spend my days in scripture, discussing concepts, and reading articles/blogs on Christian topics. 

Maybe it is a recognition of today being the start of something big. 

No matter the reason behind the feeling, it is there. And I am not sure what to do with it. So like I do with most things that fall in this category I will just try not to think about it and move on. Maybe read some scripture too. 

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

This morning at 12:08am my nephew was born. Instead of being excited (even though I am, and very very happy he finally has a name) I am hurt because my I found out on Facebook. Didn't recieve a phone call or a text but Facebook, and if my oldest brother hadn't told me to check my email, I never would have realized that an email was sent this morning announcing his arrival.
This hurt my feelings, mostly bc if I wasn't spending the week out of town babysitting, and thus currently sitting in a coffee shop using their internet, I wouldn't have access to my email and wouldn't have even checked it until much later in the day. And thus I would have read Facebook and been pissy the rest of the day.

I realize this is stupid and all that matters is that he is finally here and is healthy, but it just brings up all my insecurities and what not. If my oldest brother hadn't responded to my complaint about finding out on facebook, I would have never known to check my email. I think it also upsets me bc this is the same older brother who informed the world of his engagement by email, when I had graduated from college and was living on a couch and didn't have access to the internet. Thus I hate the internet. I hate how dependent the world has gotten on it for a form a communication, especially in timely matters. Which I know I am guilty of as much as the next person but for the most part it is for minor events like lunch, not the birth of my child. I mean what if I didn't have access to the internet at all this week. I could have gone days without knowing. Not really cuz if I didn't hear anything by lunch time I would have called my mom to check in and then I would have been even more upset but it didn't happen that way.

But as I sat in the coffee shop trying not to cry and be upset about being informed this way, instead of fighting back tears of joy, I realized how easily my feelings get hurt. Which I feel kinda stupid saying because I consider myself a mostly stable person and I try not to let stuff get to me, but yeah my feelings get hurt pretty easy.

• It hurt my feelings that I found out about my nephew through an email.
• It hurt my feelings when the 8yr old that I am babysitting hit me in the chest last night for no reason.
• It hurt my feelings that one of my friends planned a trip to my city when I told her I would be out of town.

I know there are a dozen more stupid things that have hurt me, and the super sad thing is that most of them have brought me either to tears or close to tears. I really think it is just a sign that I just need a really good cry.

I think I have spent so much of my life trying to be tough and protect myself, that the stupiest little things hurt me now, and instead of telling people, I just keep it inside. What is the point of telling my brother that it hurt my feelings, when he can't go back in time and change it and it will just make him feel bad during a happy time in his life.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel this way, but at the same time I am glad that God made me this way. I am glad that I can be sympathic and express my emotions and am in tune with myself to know all of this.

I found out today that a guy I know got married. I had no clue that he was in a serious relationship so it came as a total surprise to me. To be totally honest, I felt betrayed. Not like I am overly close to this guy who that he would even call me or say hi to me in the mall (He is in a band and I have worked with him on several concerts but I feel non rememberable to him, which is a whole other story)

I feel officially crazy that my reaction to this news was that. But betrayal probably isn't the right word either.



As I mentioned earlier he is in a band, and said band is performing in town tonight. I have gone back and forth all week about going. I enjoy their music and enjoy supporting smaller bands but also back to earlier because I have this wierd relationship with him and the band as a whole, who I know but don't know or they don't know me or whatever. It has feels wierd to have those sort of relationships but I do, I have several of them actually. I guess that is what happens when you don't let people get close to you. Or you just have a really good memory and other people dont.

So when I learned today that he got married yesterday it made the decision for me not to go to the concert. That is right. I found out he is married and so I am not going.



Is he even going to be there? He got married yesterday he shouldn't be there. He should be hanging with his new wife.

I am not sure why I have such strong feelings towards this but I do, almost to the point of convictions.

Maybe it is all because if I fell in love with a rockstar I would want him to take alot of time off around our wedding. I want to love being Mrs. Rockstar for a week before he goes back on the road.