Taking off the Mask

 I took a leap.

I jumped and took off the mask that I have been hiding behind. 

I admitted to people in my life that I suck. That my relationship with God sucks.

I have mentioned before that I am awful at maintaining relationships. If you are not in my day to day it is hard for me to keep you informed.

A lot of that is because I think you are busy with your own life, doing your own thing and you won't have time for me.

My relationship with God is like that a lot. 

He has A LOT going on for Him.  How am I to expect that He has time for me? 

So I just don't call. I don't text, I don't write letters. I still love Him and know that He loves me but that is about where our relationship ends.

But no one knows that this is how my relationship with God is. I hide behind the mask of being a leader, being a "good Christian" who has it all together.
But I don't know scripture. I can quote maybe a handful of verses. I don't know stories in the Bible outside of the classics. I am good at faking it. I know all the things to say to make it sound like I have it together.

I have been hiding

Hiding from God

Hiding from others

Hiding from myself.

It's not that I don't believe anymore. Because I do. I believe in Jesus Christ. I have seen and experienced God working in my life. It's just that I don't know that I can do it.

You know the phrase faking it til you make it. What if all I have been doing is faking it all along?

I can go through the motions especially when in front of people. I look like a "good Christian" but I don't really pray or read scripture, I just show up. 

I want to start over. I want to be honest. I don't want to pretend. Not hide behind some Christian image but be honest...

Yes I believe. No I don't do anything about it. I just show up.

"Your will be done"

I have had two major life verses in my life, that I have repeated to myself over and over again when times were rough.
The first one was Jeremiah 29:11. As I drove by myself from Iowa to LA in the spring of 2009 through hills of Utah in an extreme downpour this verse came to mind.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I breathed easier knowing that God had a plan, that should my car die, should I die, in this barren land with 100 miles to the next gas station, that it would be a part of God's plan. That should I live, it would be a part of God's plan. God had a future for me.

This was my verse until winter 2013, when I met someone who had the same life verse. When I was in a relationship that would change my life. When I experienced my first panic attack, as I heard that verse coming out of his mouth, and knew God was clearly speaking to me.
My prayer had changed that fall. That relationship had caused me to change. The words of my lips and pray of my heart had changed to a simple phrase, "Your will be done."
Yes I had a future and yes, God still had a plan for me, but what I needed to remind myself of was that God's will needed to be done. It wasn't about me, but about God.

Today as I reflected on this, I began to think more and more about the Lord's Prayer. About how Jesus instructed us to pray.
It starts out so simple.
Our Father - Ours not just Jesus', not just mine, not just yours, but OURS. We may not agree on predestination or the end of the world, but none of that matters. We have the same God, we share the same Father. We are a community of believers. Often we forget that.
who art in heaven - God is reigning over us, He is where we want to be.
hallowed be your name - God is are holy, God is worthy to be praised.
your kingdom come - Your kingdom God, not mine, not Joe's, but Yours.
your will be done - God what You want, what You will, what You desire. Not me, not my wants, not my wills, not my desires.
on earth - On earth, in this place. God's will be done here and now, where we walk and live.
as it is in heaven - let this place on earth be a mirror of heaven.
Give us today - Today, not tomorrow, not next week, or next month or when we graduate or get married but today.
our daily bread - God will not let us starve. He will deliver the manna from heaven. He will feed us. Daily.
and forgive us our trespasses - We will screw up. We are human and we fail, but God will forgive us.
as we forgive those who have sinned against us -  we need to forgive. Holding that grudge, holding that hurt, does nothing but hurt us. If God can forgive us, we need to extend that forgiveness onto others.
And lead us not into temptation - I am prone to screw up. It is only with God that I don't fail. If God is leading us, if our eyes are on God, we will be safer from temptation.
but deliver us from evil - God can rescue us. God DOES rescue us. He is the only thing that saves.

Matthew 6:9- 13, how simple, how beautiful. How often we just repeat the words from memory, without pausing to think about what they really mean.

My head is full

Trying to lay down to sleep and my head is full.

Full of thoughts about inmates and how they are loved and that no matter their past crime they still deserve to know they are loved. (By God and by others)

Full of thoughts of how no one deserves love but God loves us all anyway.

Full of thoughts of the power of the written word. The value and meaning behind that someone took the time to write something down. 

Full of over processing and over thinking. 

Full of feeling and emotions and tears.

Full of a heart that doesn't fit in my chest.

Full of a God who holds it all easily in His hands. 

I am a bad friend

I am horrible at relationships. I must have missed that day in school.

I am not just talking about dating. But friends, family, coworkers, God. Any and all relationships, I have never been good at.

In grade school I didn't have a lot of friends. My birthday parties were always just family. I hung out with cousins and the neighbor kids, and even those relationships I couldn't make last into middle school or high school. 

High school I hung out with a few people, but once again I was bad. I rarely initiated the conversations or the hang outs. I was always on the receiving end. 

College I sat in my room until people came and talked to me. During summer breaks I rarely spoke to those people. Out of sight out of mind seemed to be the running theme.

Even now as a grown woman, with all the technology we have, if you are not a part of my day to day life I don't reach out to you; even if you are, I don't reach out. I sit and I wait. I wait for someone to speak to me.

I do the same thing with God. I don't hang out with Him daily. We see each other on the weekends and a few times during the week, but usually I just sit around waiting for Him.

I wait for Him to reach out to me. To say something big, to comfort me when I hurt, to grant me knowledge and wisdom and peace. 

I sit with my phone always on me, waiting. 

Part of my reason for not reaching out to others is that I never want to be a bother. I don't want to interrupt their life. And what if they don't want to speak to me, like I want to speak to them. 

But see the thing is when I do reach out and reconnect with those old friends, things are as if they have never changed. They love and care for me the same way they did before. 

God is the same way. When I open up and speak to him. He opens up and speaks to me. Loving me and caring for me the same way as before. But taking that first step is always the hardest and scariest, the fear of rejection hangs tight.

God I am sorry I have been a bad friend.
Friends I am sorry I have been a bad friend.

I promise I will try to do better. That is all I have. The promise to try. 

Hope

"Be astonished! Be astounded! For a work is being done in your days that you would not believe if you were told." - Habakkuk 1:5

Some day I will look back. Some day I will look back at this time and this place and be amazed and in awe of what God has brought me through and what He has brought me to. 

And so for now I will hold on to that moment in the future. I will hope for the day that I can sit in a place and time and say "For this. This is the place and space God has brought me to. What a better place than I could have imagined."

What do non-Catholics do on Ash Wednesday?

As a former Catholic and current Christian, Ash Wednesday is a weird day for me. 

I feel like I should do something. But not sure exactly what. 

Going to Catholic mass isn't really an option, as I have some pretty mixed feelings about that whole thing still. (15 years after I actively stopped attending mass)  

One of my friends agreed stating "#iwanttheashes #idontwanttheashes" 

It's not even so much the ashes that I want/don't want. 

Maybe it's the sense of community that used to come from attending Ash Wednesday services and being marked for the world to see. 

Maybe it's my current desire to spend my days in scripture, discussing concepts, and reading articles/blogs on Christian topics. 

Maybe it is a recognition of today being the start of something big. 

No matter the reason behind the feeling, it is there. And I am not sure what to do with it. So like I do with most things that fall in this category I will just try not to think about it and move on. Maybe read some scripture too. 

I dont know what I want

Period. I dont know what I want with my job. I dont know what I want for supper. I dont know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Heck I dont even know what I want to do with the rest of my night.
This lack of knowing, lack of desire has left me in a rather horrible place. A place where the smallest things make me cry. A place where I am left wondering about everything and nothing. Will I ever fit in? Will I ever get married? Am I valued? Does God see? Does He care? Maybe my relationship with God is like my relationship with so many of my friends right now. He doesn't talk to me because I haven't been talking to Him.

The Past

<p>Tonight I got a very unexpected friend request. The man who has the record for my longest relationship wanted to be my facebook friend. The man who I dated off and on for 3 years, cheating on me and breaking my heart multiple times, wanted back in my life after no contact for over 6 years. <br>
It took me a long time to get over him, to get over those feelings of hurt and betrayal from a man who said he wanted to marry me, who wanted to father my children. <br>
I had closed and locked the door on that part of my life. I no longer associated with people from that time, I avoided the places we would hang out. I had moved on.
And tonight, tonight I was faced with all of that all over again. Those feelings of hurt and betrayal as I saw his name and the photo of him with his wife and kids.
Five years ago I would have cried. I would have grabbed a bottle of wine, and drank until the tears contained nothing but alcohol. I would have made some phone calls and let my anger guide me down a path of poor choices.
But tonight, as my heart sank as those memories came flooding back, I was allowed a moment of reflection. I am no longer that girl that would allow a second and third chance to a boy who cheated on me. I am no longer the girl who would let her pain lead her down a path of destruction.  I am no longer the girl who would drown her tears in alcohol.
I am now the woman who moves on. The woman who recognizes her pain and lets it go. The woman who sees her past and by the grace of God does not have to relive it. There might still be tears tonight, not out of pain, but out of thankfulness to a God who has saved me from it all. A God who has blessed me more than I deserve, a God who will continue to bless me more than I can imagine.

I will not be adding to my friends list tonight or anytime in the near future, not that name anyway.

What are you waiting for?

I read a blog recently that talked about purity rings and waiting till your married. In it the girl talks about how she took off her purity ring not because she was going to go out and have sex but because of the symbolism behind it. Her life wasnt about waiting and that is something that I think we as a culture dont stress enough.
Our lives shouldnt be about waiting. We already have everything. Why should I wait till I find a husband or  wait till I have a kid? Why can't I live my life right now to the fullest? Why has society decided that I am less because I'm single?
I am no less important or valued by my Creator because I do not have a husband or children. Maybe in some ways I am more valued because I can commit to every Sunday morning hanging with middle schoolers and taking them on mission trips and showing them how awesome a Jesus centered life can be.

This is something I need to be reminded of daily, how much God loves me in the here and now. His love for me does not wait for me to get married or wait for me to have children. His love is here and now and powerful and wonderful.

This is one of the things I hope my middle schoolers (specifically the girls) learn. God did not put us on this earth to sit and wait. God put us here to do and live and love. I want them to see and hear through my actions and words that my life is about God's plan and God's love and living an amazing Jesus centered life. Lucky for me I am not an early Jew. I do not have to wait for the coming Messiah. And luckily He loves me.

My true love has already come, He saved my soul and loves me unconditionally.  And He is pretty much perfect. Now if only I could get him to do the dishes.

Failures

I had a moment of panic last week during church that when it comes to judgement day and I am standing before the cross that I will fail for the times that I have been a poor friend, for the times when I have failed to proclaim God's name, for the times I have failed to hold on to God and nothing else. For the times when I have saught the pleasures of this world instead of holding out for the prizes of heaven.

Tonight as I drove around after returning a movie that I thought was going to be a comedy but was actually pretty deep and brought up some nasty things in me, I started to feel bad and like a failure. But this time not in God's eyes but the worlds.
I am 31 years old. Single, never married, no kids. Work a job (two actually) not because either of them are something I love but because I have to pay the bills. (Frankly I dont know what I would do if I wasn't just working to not be in debt.) Dont own a home. Live in a shoebox of a studio apartment that I struggle to keep clean, because even when I have time off from work or my non booming social life, I can't seem to make myself get off the couch for more then 5 mins at a time.

Lucky for me these two feelings didn't intersect and tonight as I drove around listening to K-love (because that is the Christian thing to do [cheesey]) I didn't feel like a failure in God's eyes and I knew that even though I am a bit of a screw up (sometimes larger than others) that God still loves me and is still proud of me and doesn't care that my house is a mess or that I dont know what I am doing with my life. He knows that I love Him and that even when things suck a lot that I won't turn my back on Him. That everyday I am becoming less of the person I was before, and more of the person He wants me to be. That as long as I try to please Him I can't fail and failure in the world's eyes mean nothing.

Good Enough

I walked into church this morning not feeling good enough.

Feeling like there was no way the man sitting a few rows in front of me would ever be interested in me.

That I wasn't:
tall enough
skinny enough
blonde enough
stylish enough

I lacked any self confidence that would make up for some of my physical lackings.

As I sat in church and felt bad about myself my pastor started speaking about Col 2:13-23.
Usually I pay attention and take detailed notes as if I am in a class and will someday have a test over everything I have learned. But today I spaced out. I let the lack of sleep and coffee and self worth take over.
I laughed at Pastor Mark's comedy not because I thought it was funny but because I felt I had to.
And then he said, "Therefore do not let anyone judge you." and I started paying attention.
He talked about legalism and the measuring stick we use to see how we are doing.
He talked about how we do things for the benefit of others, not for the benefit of God.
Then, THEN he talked about how we should use the measuring stick to measure against God's perfection. And how that leads not to trying harder to fix it ourselves but to a deeper dependence on God.

He summed it up by saying that we don't have to live up to the human standard.

And I smiled. A big dorky inside joke smile.

God knows me, He KNOWS me. He knows what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. He knows that if He tries and tells me something early or later, that it will go in one ear and out the other.

He knows that if I would have walked out of service feeling the way I walked in, that the rest of the day would have been lost. I would have pouted in the corner at our leaders meeting, and backed out of leading this year. I would have come home and bawled about my brother and sisil selling their house and moving in less than a month. I would have drunk myself silly that my parents left shortly after I showed up.

But none of that happened. Because someone who loves me more than I can imagine made sure that I heard the exact words that I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear it.

I am beyond blessed.

Sin and Forgiveness

For many years I led a very unChristian life. Even after "becoming" a Christian I continued to do what I wanted and sacrificed nothing.
For the last two years I have tried harder to live a life like Christ. To sacrifice more and sin less. I had put the past behind me and moved on.

This weekend the past came out with a fury. I was reminded of the life I once lived and all the guilt and pain that came with it came flooding back. A friend tried to encourage me and remind me that those experiences made me who I am today and to regret nothing. I take no solice in that statement.
I only have one major regret in life, something I wish I hadn't done, and yes the past has brought me to where I am today, which doesn't totally suck. But the past has also left me messed up and broken, wondering who could ever love and accept me.
In church today we discussed that everyone pays for sin but no one has gone to far from the love of God. God is perfect and flawless and forgives all my failures and loves me and accepts me, sin and all.
Humans are not as loving and forgiving. Humans while created in God's image, are not God and can not always look past the faults and failures of the human form.
What are we supposed to do with that? How does one deal with their own forgiveness from God, with the knowledge that their human partner may not forgive? How does one find a human partner in all that mess?

Things sure do change

As I was driving home last night at 3am from a guy's house all I could think about was that if I had been doing that less then 10yrs ago, heck even 5 yrs ago it would have been for completely different reasons.

8 years ago I would have been still drunk, fighting to stay inbetween the lines and stopping at all the signs, after having sex with a guy who only liked me because he liked having sex with me, and I only liked because he paid attention to me.
Last night I was completely sober, obeyed all traffic rules, after playing RockBand with several friends who enjoy each other for who we are.

Not to say the old thoughts didn't cross my mind, as I made myself mixed drinks. How easy it would be to pour a bit more alcohol into my glass, how I could get drunk, and have to spend the night because I couldn't drive. How easy it would be to crawl into his bed, and to kiss his lips.
All of those thoughts went through my head and at the end of the night as the group sat on the couches, some sobering up, some (me) trying to wake up, but something was different. I was no longer the lonely desprite girl from all those years ago. I no longer needed to have that moment in order to feel like I was worth something to someone.



Moments like that in my life, when I dont need to get drunk to have a good time, and I don't seek approval in someone else, make me think. Is this something that has happened with age, or is this the work of God? Some days like when I am working with my 19yr old coworkers with little to no work ethic, I know that it is an age thing. Other moments like when I am taking care of my drunk friends who are the same age or older then me I know it is a God thing. [slight side track: Me not getting drunk is also a bit of a control thing. I know I don't need to drink to have a good time, but I am also afraid of losing control and doing something stupid so I don't get drunk anymore. Totally just realized that] I know that God has changed me, and shown me that I am enough as I am. That I don't need to seek approval in others, especially men. I feel like a completely different person from that girl driving home drunk 8 yrs ago. Like Ted from HIMYM told Robin, I have become my own doppelganger.

I am sorry we can't be friends

I was asked the other day by one of my coworkers if we could still be friends after he told me he wasn't into that "thing" I do on Sundays. My response, even though I knew he was kidding about our friendship ending, was that I don't believe in Christianity in a box. This very short conversation lead to me thinking.

How is the world supposed to know how awesome Jesus is if they don't interact with people who already know?
But how often is that exactly what happens, how often do Christians keep Jesus to themselves and their other Christian friends, either by only be friends with other Christians of by not telling their non-Christian friends about Jesus, which I must admit is me.

All my friends, Christian and non, know that I go to church on Sundays, and Bible study on Thursdays. They know that I believe in Jesus, and his teachings, and do things like not sear around me (because Christians never swear. Different topic for a different time). But how much do they really see Jesus in how I act, how much do I actively and openly share with them about what God is doing in my life?

Ever since that short conversation with my friend, I have wanted to dig in deep discussion with him about his feelings on Jesus and his past experiences, since he had "done the church thing before." I hope the reason he stopped it short was that we were at work and had customers around, and not that he thought he couldn't have that conversation with me.

I guess since it is a new year, maybe I should make a new years resolution.
In 2011, I resolve to have more of those conversation with ALL my friends, to find out what they believe, and to inform them of God's workings in my life.
To not just speak it but to live it.

What to do???

Yesterday while meeting with my pastor he informed me that I needed to figure out what I wanted. WHAT?!?!?! Apparently me living as the wind takes me isn't a very purposeful life, nor profitable.

I have been couch surfing for the last 6 months in the beautiful Long Beach, CA area. I came out here after living in Iowa for 27 years. I had spent the last three of them in a small south eastern Iowa town with a good job. I also spent those three years looking for another job. Small town living is not the life for me. A short discussion with some friends and my hand been forced at work lead me to quit my safe job and load up my car and move.
So in addition to couch surfing I have also been job hunting, in a state that is having some pretty serious issues. The major downfall for the job hunt besides the lack of jobs is the lack of knowing what I want. I have this ideal in my head of working for a convention center or hotel as an event coordinator. That is what I would love to do, I think. In all honesty I have no clue.
So here I am with a blog and not much else. I tell myself and others that I what I want is to do what God wants me to do. Which is completely true, but I don't know what He wants me to do. Does He want me to be a bartender, or a nanny, or a lunch lady? Does He want me in Long Beach or Redondo Beach, or maybe back in the Midwest? Maybe it doesn't really matter what He wants, or maybe He wants me to do what I want. Which goes back to the original issue.
I need to figure out what I want.