I don't think I have cried so much in my life as I have in the last month. Mostly tears of saddness and pain and confusion, with a few drops of love and joy.
I think even when I lived in CA and didnt know where my money was coming from and whose couch I was going to sleep on next I didn't shed this many tears. Partly bc I didn't have a place to do so.
I don't think I ever realized how hard living with family would be/is. I also never realized how I suck a communication and telling people what I want/need and where I am at in life. I really am such an independent person that it is truly truly hard for me to reach out to others. For me to tell others what I am thinking, how I am feeling, what my plans and ideas are is like pulling teeth. But I love talking to people and I am definetly an extrovert in that I often feel like if I dont tell someone then it isn't real. But yet I keep pretty much everything inside. All the big stuff anyway.
Moments like this and nights like tonight make me wonder how/if I will ever have a successful relationship. Romantic or otherwise.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I found out today that a guy I know got married. I had no clue that he was in a serious relationship so it came as a total surprise to me. To be totally honest, I felt betrayed. Not like I am overly close to this guy who that he would even call me or say hi to me in the mall (He is in a band and I have worked with him on several concerts but I feel non rememberable to him, which is a whole other story)
I feel officially crazy that my reaction to this news was that. But betrayal probably isn't the right word either.
As I mentioned earlier he is in a band, and said band is performing in town tonight. I have gone back and forth all week about going. I enjoy their music and enjoy supporting smaller bands but also back to earlier because I have this wierd relationship with him and the band as a whole, who I know but don't know or they don't know me or whatever. It has feels wierd to have those sort of relationships but I do, I have several of them actually. I guess that is what happens when you don't let people get close to you. Or you just have a really good memory and other people dont.
So when I learned today that he got married yesterday it made the decision for me not to go to the concert. That is right. I found out he is married and so I am not going.
Is he even going to be there? He got married yesterday he shouldn't be there. He should be hanging with his new wife.
I am not sure why I have such strong feelings towards this but I do, almost to the point of convictions.
Maybe it is all because if I fell in love with a rockstar I would want him to take alot of time off around our wedding. I want to love being Mrs. Rockstar for a week before he goes back on the road.
I feel officially crazy that my reaction to this news was that. But betrayal probably isn't the right word either.
As I mentioned earlier he is in a band, and said band is performing in town tonight. I have gone back and forth all week about going. I enjoy their music and enjoy supporting smaller bands but also back to earlier because I have this wierd relationship with him and the band as a whole, who I know but don't know or they don't know me or whatever. It has feels wierd to have those sort of relationships but I do, I have several of them actually. I guess that is what happens when you don't let people get close to you. Or you just have a really good memory and other people dont.
So when I learned today that he got married yesterday it made the decision for me not to go to the concert. That is right. I found out he is married and so I am not going.
Is he even going to be there? He got married yesterday he shouldn't be there. He should be hanging with his new wife.
I am not sure why I have such strong feelings towards this but I do, almost to the point of convictions.
Maybe it is all because if I fell in love with a rockstar I would want him to take alot of time off around our wedding. I want to love being Mrs. Rockstar for a week before he goes back on the road.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Just when things start looking up
Here I sat thinking that I was starting to have a plan, starting to figure out the world and I get ambushed and thrown in my face that I am living in a world of fantasy.
Because I don't wanto to cry again I will spare the details and just go with the general statement that when the going gets tough the tough get going. And for me that means I want to run away. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out again til the coast is clear.
Also just for the record so that every one (1) who reads this understands. I am been un/under employed for the last year. I also have not really talked about the process because frankly it is rather depressing that in the past year I have sent out more resumes and applications then I care to count and as a result now have two part time jobs. One that I have had since February and one that I have had for a week, but technically haven't started yet and actually won't get a paycheck from them until June.
This has been the hardest year of my life and frankly I would just rather not talk about. Journaling about it is a whole 'nother story.
Because I don't wanto to cry again I will spare the details and just go with the general statement that when the going gets tough the tough get going. And for me that means I want to run away. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out again til the coast is clear.
Also just for the record so that every one (1) who reads this understands. I am been un/under employed for the last year. I also have not really talked about the process because frankly it is rather depressing that in the past year I have sent out more resumes and applications then I care to count and as a result now have two part time jobs. One that I have had since February and one that I have had for a week, but technically haven't started yet and actually won't get a paycheck from them until June.
This has been the hardest year of my life and frankly I would just rather not talk about. Journaling about it is a whole 'nother story.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Seriously God
The past couple of weeks I have been wrestling over what to do about a pretty large and serious work situation that I can't really talk about which totally sucks. Partly bc that is totally not me, I need to talk stuff out and process it all. But the basics of it are me trying to decide what I want to do for the next year plus. Pros are job security and having a plan. Cons are 80 hour work week and being tied to something for an undetermined amount of time.
As I have been examining this and trying to pray about it I received a phone call about a part time job opportunity at a company that would get my foot in the door in the right place. But it is part time and just for the summer, so if I got it it could work in with plan a, but plan a doesn't really allow for me to advance at company b.
THEN after my phone interview with company b I got a phone call today to come in to meet with company c. Company c doesn't have a lot going for it except that it would be another job and added income.
After I got off the phone with company c today all I could think was "God is this your way of telling me not to go with plan a"
Seriously God what is going on?
What is YOUR plan?
As I have been examining this and trying to pray about it I received a phone call about a part time job opportunity at a company that would get my foot in the door in the right place. But it is part time and just for the summer, so if I got it it could work in with plan a, but plan a doesn't really allow for me to advance at company b.
THEN after my phone interview with company b I got a phone call today to come in to meet with company c. Company c doesn't have a lot going for it except that it would be another job and added income.
After I got off the phone with company c today all I could think was "God is this your way of telling me not to go with plan a"
Seriously God what is going on?
What is YOUR plan?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My place in this world
"I'm looking for a reason, trying to find a place in this world, my place in this world"
I was never good at song lyrics and to save my life I can't tell you who sings it but it is in my head as I think about where I belong.
I have been in Omaha since the end of November and have a part time job that I don't hate, a church that is mega, a bible study with wonderful women and the Bible, and some wonderfully random friends.
I definetly have no path, no mission, no true north. On Sunday my pastor gave us an assignment. To write up our personal mission statement. Not what we WANT it to be, but what it truly is. I obviously have not done this for several reasons, one being my laziness and another being my total desire not to be honest with myself or anyone else for that manner.
I would love to say that my mission is to glorify God in all ways possible, but that is not true. I think that if I were to be completely true with myself I would say that my mission is to get through the day.
How pathetic is that. That is my life goal, that is what guides me no matter my situation or location. I fail as a Christian. I fail at life. I fill my days with stupid pointless things, like the last 10 minutes watching videos on YouTube, so I don't have to think about how I am living in my brothers basement or that I spend most of my time there or that I will never have a job that I want and love or get married or anything of those thoughts that fill your mind in a depressed state.
On Sunday my after church thought was about how I keep waiting. I was waiting to move to California to do xyz, then it was, I wanted to wait to do certain things when I moved to Omaha. Waiting for spring, waiting for summer, waiting for a full time job, waiting til I have a place of my own, waiting til I get married.
One would think that these thoughts would motivate me to get off my behind and get to work on some of these things, but not so much. Cuz I am just trying to make it through the day.
I was never good at song lyrics and to save my life I can't tell you who sings it but it is in my head as I think about where I belong.
I have been in Omaha since the end of November and have a part time job that I don't hate, a church that is mega, a bible study with wonderful women and the Bible, and some wonderfully random friends.
I definetly have no path, no mission, no true north. On Sunday my pastor gave us an assignment. To write up our personal mission statement. Not what we WANT it to be, but what it truly is. I obviously have not done this for several reasons, one being my laziness and another being my total desire not to be honest with myself or anyone else for that manner.
I would love to say that my mission is to glorify God in all ways possible, but that is not true. I think that if I were to be completely true with myself I would say that my mission is to get through the day.
How pathetic is that. That is my life goal, that is what guides me no matter my situation or location. I fail as a Christian. I fail at life. I fill my days with stupid pointless things, like the last 10 minutes watching videos on YouTube, so I don't have to think about how I am living in my brothers basement or that I spend most of my time there or that I will never have a job that I want and love or get married or anything of those thoughts that fill your mind in a depressed state.
On Sunday my after church thought was about how I keep waiting. I was waiting to move to California to do xyz, then it was, I wanted to wait to do certain things when I moved to Omaha. Waiting for spring, waiting for summer, waiting for a full time job, waiting til I have a place of my own, waiting til I get married.
One would think that these thoughts would motivate me to get off my behind and get to work on some of these things, but not so much. Cuz I am just trying to make it through the day.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Looking Back
For whatever reason after my last post I decided to look back over my posts from the last 7 months. Ok I do know why, partly bc I was slacking off and partly bc i wanted to see if it was appropriate enough to post a link to this page so my friends could read about my randomly writings about being jobless (my add just kicked in and while looking at the ceiling of the coffee shop I noticed giant nails sticking out. What if someone was super tall and jumped? they could totally get a nail through their head)
I realized something when looking at my past writings, besides that I am totally random, that in the last year I haven't really shared with anyone (except a few of my fellow underemployeed friends) exactly what I am going through.
No one really knows how I spend my days. I have spent the last year with an average of 4 -8 a day, seven days a week, searching the internet for jobs that I want to do and am qualified for. I have sent out more resumes than I care to count. I have stared at job descriptions and thought about how overqualified I am, or how I would love this job but there is no way they would pick me.
I have discovered that after spending a day looking and applying to jobs I usually want to curl up in bed and not think about it for the next 24. When I lived in CA, I would have used that next day to go to the beach and read or plan trips to Disneyland (which I miss more than words right now) or watch random crappy reality tv and dream about being my own reality show.
In other news that has nothing to do with looking back except that I have had this thought several times over. I would LOVE to tour with a band. Be their merchadise girl for a summer or something like that. Driving from city to city, sleeping in a bus, showering once a week. Yeah a little gross but that would be soo amazing. Hmmm how do you get a job doing that?
P.S. There is a Dave Matthews song playing in the coffee house right now. I really like Dave Matthews.
I realized something when looking at my past writings, besides that I am totally random, that in the last year I haven't really shared with anyone (except a few of my fellow underemployeed friends) exactly what I am going through.
No one really knows how I spend my days. I have spent the last year with an average of 4 -8 a day, seven days a week, searching the internet for jobs that I want to do and am qualified for. I have sent out more resumes than I care to count. I have stared at job descriptions and thought about how overqualified I am, or how I would love this job but there is no way they would pick me.
I have discovered that after spending a day looking and applying to jobs I usually want to curl up in bed and not think about it for the next 24. When I lived in CA, I would have used that next day to go to the beach and read or plan trips to Disneyland (which I miss more than words right now) or watch random crappy reality tv and dream about being my own reality show.
In other news that has nothing to do with looking back except that I have had this thought several times over. I would LOVE to tour with a band. Be their merchadise girl for a summer or something like that. Driving from city to city, sleeping in a bus, showering once a week. Yeah a little gross but that would be soo amazing. Hmmm how do you get a job doing that?
P.S. There is a Dave Matthews song playing in the coffee house right now. I really like Dave Matthews.
Coffee Shop Worker
As I sit in the coffee shop, pretending to work but really just staring off into space, I am reminded of how often I have thought about working at a coffee shop.
But as I sit here and look around at the other patrons sitting and sipping, typing and talking, I glance at the barista as she stands at the counter by herself, saying hello to the first new person to walk in in the last 20 minutes and go about making a drink before she goes back to standing behind the counter, counting change and replacing cups. I wonder if she is lonely up there all by herself. Just waiting for one of us who have had our drinks and using the store for its warmth and internet and buying coffee more out of neccesity then desire (though in my case it is both) to want a refill.
I wonder if she is lonley and desires for someone to spark up a converstation with her (as I know I would want if I was her) or if she enjoys her time of solitude with minor interuptions to create a wonderful drink.
Does she think of new ways to mix the flavors and wait for fellow employees to come in so she can try out her newest creation. Does she secretly put whole milk in when people ask for non-fat?
Does she write songs in her head, sneaking away for moments to write them down? Or is she solving math problems just to keep her brain fresh?
Does she make up stories about what the patrons are doing in her little coffee shop, like I am creating stories about her?
But as I sit here and look around at the other patrons sitting and sipping, typing and talking, I glance at the barista as she stands at the counter by herself, saying hello to the first new person to walk in in the last 20 minutes and go about making a drink before she goes back to standing behind the counter, counting change and replacing cups. I wonder if she is lonely up there all by herself. Just waiting for one of us who have had our drinks and using the store for its warmth and internet and buying coffee more out of neccesity then desire (though in my case it is both) to want a refill.
I wonder if she is lonley and desires for someone to spark up a converstation with her (as I know I would want if I was her) or if she enjoys her time of solitude with minor interuptions to create a wonderful drink.
Does she think of new ways to mix the flavors and wait for fellow employees to come in so she can try out her newest creation. Does she secretly put whole milk in when people ask for non-fat?
Does she write songs in her head, sneaking away for moments to write them down? Or is she solving math problems just to keep her brain fresh?
Does she make up stories about what the patrons are doing in her little coffee shop, like I am creating stories about her?
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