As I was driving home last night at 3am from a guy's house all I could think about was that if I had been doing that less then 10yrs ago, heck even 5 yrs ago it would have been for completely different reasons.
8 years ago I would have been still drunk, fighting to stay inbetween the lines and stopping at all the signs, after having sex with a guy who only liked me because he liked having sex with me, and I only liked because he paid attention to me.
Last night I was completely sober, obeyed all traffic rules, after playing RockBand with several friends who enjoy each other for who we are.
Not to say the old thoughts didn't cross my mind, as I made myself mixed drinks. How easy it would be to pour a bit more alcohol into my glass, how I could get drunk, and have to spend the night because I couldn't drive. How easy it would be to crawl into his bed, and to kiss his lips.
All of those thoughts went through my head and at the end of the night as the group sat on the couches, some sobering up, some (me) trying to wake up, but something was different. I was no longer the lonely desprite girl from all those years ago. I no longer needed to have that moment in order to feel like I was worth something to someone.
Moments like that in my life, when I dont need to get drunk to have a good time, and I don't seek approval in someone else, make me think. Is this something that has happened with age, or is this the work of God? Some days like when I am working with my 19yr old coworkers with little to no work ethic, I know that it is an age thing. Other moments like when I am taking care of my drunk friends who are the same age or older then me I know it is a God thing. [slight side track: Me not getting drunk is also a bit of a control thing. I know I don't need to drink to have a good time, but I am also afraid of losing control and doing something stupid so I don't get drunk anymore. Totally just realized that] I know that God has changed me, and shown me that I am enough as I am. That I don't need to seek approval in others, especially men. I feel like a completely different person from that girl driving home drunk 8 yrs ago. Like Ted from HIMYM told Robin, I have become my own doppelganger.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I have so much to say
I keep meaning to post. I really do. I want this to be more apart of my life. But every time I have something to say I am not near a computer or insert a thousand other excuses here.
Right now primary excuse is my head is full of coffee and tea and sounds of the coffee shop and sickness and desire to go to my apartment but there is no water there so I am here in case i need to pee or something.
It is also full of thoughts on relationships and trying to figure out how to interact with men who I am attracted to but can't date and dont know how they feel about me. And trying to figure out what it means when they are nice to me even though I am sure they are just being friendly and not trying to get into my pants.
Right now primary excuse is my head is full of coffee and tea and sounds of the coffee shop and sickness and desire to go to my apartment but there is no water there so I am here in case i need to pee or something.
It is also full of thoughts on relationships and trying to figure out how to interact with men who I am attracted to but can't date and dont know how they feel about me. And trying to figure out what it means when they are nice to me even though I am sure they are just being friendly and not trying to get into my pants.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I am sorry we can't be friends
I was asked the other day by one of my coworkers if we could still be friends after he told me he wasn't into that "thing" I do on Sundays. My response, even though I knew he was kidding about our friendship ending, was that I don't believe in Christianity in a box. This very short conversation lead to me thinking.
How is the world supposed to know how awesome Jesus is if they don't interact with people who already know?
But how often is that exactly what happens, how often do Christians keep Jesus to themselves and their other Christian friends, either by only be friends with other Christians of by not telling their non-Christian friends about Jesus, which I must admit is me.
All my friends, Christian and non, know that I go to church on Sundays, and Bible study on Thursdays. They know that I believe in Jesus, and his teachings, and do things like not sear around me (because Christians never swear. Different topic for a different time). But how much do they really see Jesus in how I act, how much do I actively and openly share with them about what God is doing in my life?
Ever since that short conversation with my friend, I have wanted to dig in deep discussion with him about his feelings on Jesus and his past experiences, since he had "done the church thing before." I hope the reason he stopped it short was that we were at work and had customers around, and not that he thought he couldn't have that conversation with me.
I guess since it is a new year, maybe I should make a new years resolution.
In 2011, I resolve to have more of those conversation with ALL my friends, to find out what they believe, and to inform them of God's workings in my life.
To not just speak it but to live it.
How is the world supposed to know how awesome Jesus is if they don't interact with people who already know?
But how often is that exactly what happens, how often do Christians keep Jesus to themselves and their other Christian friends, either by only be friends with other Christians of by not telling their non-Christian friends about Jesus, which I must admit is me.
All my friends, Christian and non, know that I go to church on Sundays, and Bible study on Thursdays. They know that I believe in Jesus, and his teachings, and do things like not sear around me (because Christians never swear. Different topic for a different time). But how much do they really see Jesus in how I act, how much do I actively and openly share with them about what God is doing in my life?
Ever since that short conversation with my friend, I have wanted to dig in deep discussion with him about his feelings on Jesus and his past experiences, since he had "done the church thing before." I hope the reason he stopped it short was that we were at work and had customers around, and not that he thought he couldn't have that conversation with me.
I guess since it is a new year, maybe I should make a new years resolution.
In 2011, I resolve to have more of those conversation with ALL my friends, to find out what they believe, and to inform them of God's workings in my life.
To not just speak it but to live it.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Feelings, nothing more than feelings
This morning at 12:08am my nephew was born. Instead of being excited (even though I am, and very very happy he finally has a name) I am hurt because my I found out on Facebook. Didn't recieve a phone call or a text but Facebook, and if my oldest brother hadn't told me to check my email, I never would have realized that an email was sent this morning announcing his arrival.
This hurt my feelings, mostly bc if I wasn't spending the week out of town babysitting, and thus currently sitting in a coffee shop using their internet, I wouldn't have access to my email and wouldn't have even checked it until much later in the day. And thus I would have read Facebook and been pissy the rest of the day.
I realize this is stupid and all that matters is that he is finally here and is healthy, but it just brings up all my insecurities and what not. If my oldest brother hadn't responded to my complaint about finding out on facebook, I would have never known to check my email. I think it also upsets me bc this is the same older brother who informed the world of his engagement by email, when I had graduated from college and was living on a couch and didn't have access to the internet. Thus I hate the internet. I hate how dependent the world has gotten on it for a form a communication, especially in timely matters. Which I know I am guilty of as much as the next person but for the most part it is for minor events like lunch, not the birth of my child. I mean what if I didn't have access to the internet at all this week. I could have gone days without knowing. Not really cuz if I didn't hear anything by lunch time I would have called my mom to check in and then I would have been even more upset but it didn't happen that way.
But as I sat in the coffee shop trying not to cry and be upset about being informed this way, instead of fighting back tears of joy, I realized how easily my feelings get hurt. Which I feel kinda stupid saying because I consider myself a mostly stable person and I try not to let stuff get to me, but yeah my feelings get hurt pretty easy.
This hurt my feelings, mostly bc if I wasn't spending the week out of town babysitting, and thus currently sitting in a coffee shop using their internet, I wouldn't have access to my email and wouldn't have even checked it until much later in the day. And thus I would have read Facebook and been pissy the rest of the day.
I realize this is stupid and all that matters is that he is finally here and is healthy, but it just brings up all my insecurities and what not. If my oldest brother hadn't responded to my complaint about finding out on facebook, I would have never known to check my email. I think it also upsets me bc this is the same older brother who informed the world of his engagement by email, when I had graduated from college and was living on a couch and didn't have access to the internet. Thus I hate the internet. I hate how dependent the world has gotten on it for a form a communication, especially in timely matters. Which I know I am guilty of as much as the next person but for the most part it is for minor events like lunch, not the birth of my child. I mean what if I didn't have access to the internet at all this week. I could have gone days without knowing. Not really cuz if I didn't hear anything by lunch time I would have called my mom to check in and then I would have been even more upset but it didn't happen that way.
But as I sat in the coffee shop trying not to cry and be upset about being informed this way, instead of fighting back tears of joy, I realized how easily my feelings get hurt. Which I feel kinda stupid saying because I consider myself a mostly stable person and I try not to let stuff get to me, but yeah my feelings get hurt pretty easy.
- It hurt my feelings that I found out about my nephew through an email.
- It hurt my feelings when the 8yr old that I am babysitting hit me in the chest last night for no reason.
- It hurt my feelings that one of my friends planned a trip to my city when I told her I would be out of town.
I know there are a dozen more stupid things that have hurt me, and the super sad thing is that most of them have brought me either to tears or close to tears. I really think it is just a sign that I just need a really good cry.
I think I have spent so much of my life trying to be tough and protect myself, that the stupiest little things hurt me now, and instead of telling people, I just keep it inside. What is the point of telling my brother that it hurt my feelings, when he can't go back in time and change it and it will just make him feel bad during a happy time in his life.
Sometimes I wish I didn't feel this way, but at the same time I am glad that God made me this way. I am glad that I can be sympathic and express my emotions and am in tune with myself to know all of this.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Lust
I was reading an article today about a band I like. In it it was examining the many looks of the bassest's facial hair. It was a funny little article written by "super fans" and mostly just made me giggle. As they wrote and rated his hair, they gave his long straggly "hobo" look a point just for his reasoning behind having it.
He didn't want to be hit on. Their exact words were Lust = Bad.
It made me laugh b/c in college one of the hot Christian guys went through a stage of having long hair and not shaving b/c he didn't want to girls to like him. Which if you are a Christian female when you hear that reasoning, he automatically becomes more attractive then you first thought. And even if you didn't think he was attractive at all he is now the hottest guy alive.
Same thing happens to me when I hear a guy pray, like a good genuine, you can hear his love of God in his voice prayer. 20 times more attractive to me.
All of this is a horrible double edged sword.
It is so great that there are men out there that care about that sort of thing. That care about not wanting to be a stumbling block for their sisters. Unfortunately all of their good intentions go out the window since most of the time the guys doing this are already attractive and/or have been known to have great personalities.
So guys if you want to be awesome come into the situation looking like a hobo and stay that way until no one could possibly be attracted to you. Don't come in looking hot, then decide you don't like the attention so you get all nasty. Move to a new town, start a new church and be nasty and stay nasty.
2) (I know there was no 1 but whatev) Don't TELL people, ANYONE especially a girl, that that is what you are doing. That is like giving $100 to a charity and then telling everyone you just gave $100 to a charity. Bad example but I can't think of a better one right now.
I also think the whole situation is rather funny (weird, interesting, etc) bc no girl thinks that. No girl thinks I will look like a slob so no man will lust after me. I will admit that I do make a conscience effort when I go out to Christian events (which not sure why it makes a dif but oh well) to be careful about the amount of cleavage I show (aka NONE or as much as I can not have) and how tight my clothes are, etc. I also don't overly try with hair or makeup. I know I am so awesome, I just did #2 which I told guys not to do. HAHA awesome me.
I am totally rambling today bc I have so many thoughts surrounding this that lead to other thoughts about this.
I have purposefully not followed a guy on Twitter, or befriended him on Facebook (cuz that is sooo my generation and as much as I hate it, I embrace it as well) bc I have a major crush on him. I am most def lusting after him. But the fact that I haven't followed him hasn't stopped me from swinging by his pages now and then and just continuing to lust after him. I know that part of me goes to his page and such in hopes that I will see something that makes him not to attractive anymore, like back hair :), or hunting, or not liking girls. I can't really think of anything. OH he has a girlfriend that would help . But none of that has happened yet and I can't stop crushing on him. I feel better saying I have a crush on him then I am lusting after him, even though I feel it is more of that latter than the former.
How do you differentiate between the two?
He didn't want to be hit on. Their exact words were Lust = Bad.
It made me laugh b/c in college one of the hot Christian guys went through a stage of having long hair and not shaving b/c he didn't want to girls to like him. Which if you are a Christian female when you hear that reasoning, he automatically becomes more attractive then you first thought. And even if you didn't think he was attractive at all he is now the hottest guy alive.
Same thing happens to me when I hear a guy pray, like a good genuine, you can hear his love of God in his voice prayer. 20 times more attractive to me.
All of this is a horrible double edged sword.
It is so great that there are men out there that care about that sort of thing. That care about not wanting to be a stumbling block for their sisters. Unfortunately all of their good intentions go out the window since most of the time the guys doing this are already attractive and/or have been known to have great personalities.
So guys if you want to be awesome come into the situation looking like a hobo and stay that way until no one could possibly be attracted to you. Don't come in looking hot, then decide you don't like the attention so you get all nasty. Move to a new town, start a new church and be nasty and stay nasty.
2) (I know there was no 1 but whatev) Don't TELL people, ANYONE especially a girl, that that is what you are doing. That is like giving $100 to a charity and then telling everyone you just gave $100 to a charity. Bad example but I can't think of a better one right now.
I also think the whole situation is rather funny (weird, interesting, etc) bc no girl thinks that. No girl thinks I will look like a slob so no man will lust after me. I will admit that I do make a conscience effort when I go out to Christian events (which not sure why it makes a dif but oh well) to be careful about the amount of cleavage I show (aka NONE or as much as I can not have) and how tight my clothes are, etc. I also don't overly try with hair or makeup. I know I am so awesome, I just did #2 which I told guys not to do. HAHA awesome me.
I am totally rambling today bc I have so many thoughts surrounding this that lead to other thoughts about this.
I have purposefully not followed a guy on Twitter, or befriended him on Facebook (cuz that is sooo my generation and as much as I hate it, I embrace it as well) bc I have a major crush on him. I am most def lusting after him. But the fact that I haven't followed him hasn't stopped me from swinging by his pages now and then and just continuing to lust after him. I know that part of me goes to his page and such in hopes that I will see something that makes him not to attractive anymore, like back hair :), or hunting, or not liking girls. I can't really think of anything. OH he has a girlfriend that would help . But none of that has happened yet and I can't stop crushing on him. I feel better saying I have a crush on him then I am lusting after him, even though I feel it is more of that latter than the former.
How do you differentiate between the two?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
10 years
My high school reunion is this weekend. I decided to go only because my girlfriends and I made the pack that if one goes we all go. I totally wish I would have backed out of that.
Five years ago I said I would only go if I was married to a hottie with a great job(me not him). I have neither of those things. I don't even have A guy, which on a side note I realized the other day that there is pretty much NO way that I will be getting married before I am 30, kinda makes me sad, but oh well.
So no guy and barely employeed. And I get to spend my Saturday night hanging out with a bunch of people I didn't really care for 10 years ago.
I had a minor freak out yesterday while trying to decide what to wear and then an even bigger one last night, when thinking about how I went to high school with some pretty big jerks. There were some pretty decent people too, but I couldn't stop thinking about those kids that spent their high school career being mean to others. Now that I have a bit more rational head then I did last night I can think about what a waste it was of their high school years.
But I still wonder and worry about what it will be like to interact with all of these people again.
I guess I will say an extra prayer before I head out on Saturday and try and forget about the past and just have fun with my friends.
Still Stressed Though
Five years ago I said I would only go if I was married to a hottie with a great job(me not him). I have neither of those things. I don't even have A guy, which on a side note I realized the other day that there is pretty much NO way that I will be getting married before I am 30, kinda makes me sad, but oh well.
So no guy and barely employeed. And I get to spend my Saturday night hanging out with a bunch of people I didn't really care for 10 years ago.
I had a minor freak out yesterday while trying to decide what to wear and then an even bigger one last night, when thinking about how I went to high school with some pretty big jerks. There were some pretty decent people too, but I couldn't stop thinking about those kids that spent their high school career being mean to others. Now that I have a bit more rational head then I did last night I can think about what a waste it was of their high school years.
But I still wonder and worry about what it will be like to interact with all of these people again.
I guess I will say an extra prayer before I head out on Saturday and try and forget about the past and just have fun with my friends.
Still Stressed Though
Food
Those of you that know me know that food is a pretty major part of my life, like in the "how the heck is that girl not 1000 pounds" sorta way.
The other day after eating at Red Mango and being disappointed because it was definetly no YogurtLand, I started to think about my life and eating habits and how when I lived in California there was little to no foods that I missed in the Midwest. There was the occasional desire for Dorthy Lynche (sp?) dressing and in the summer sweet corn but that was really about it.
Now that I have been back in the midwest for almost a year I miss A LOT of resturants from CA. Yogurtland is a constent miss, especially in the warm summer months. When I went to Red Mango the other night I was kinda disappointed cuz they just don't have any many flavors and all of theirs were fruity, not sweet and fun like YogurtLand (oh rootbeer you were pretty awesome)
There is also In N Out Burger which is another constent miss. My mouth is currently watering thinking about those burgers and fries. I'm not going to lie I usually felt sick if I went Animal style on both the burger and the fries, but it was delicious and worth it every time.
Then there is El Pollo Loco and any place where I can get a decent fish taco. That is what I truly miss the most, fish tacos.
I went to a so called 'Mexican" resturant the other day for lunch and decided to order their fish tacos to try them out and it was kinda like eating a fish stick in a tortilla shell with some lettuce and tomatoes. I proceeded to try and cover it with several different things to help it out but nothing worked. It still makes me sad to think about it.
So even though I love my family and am happy to finally be employeed after almost a year of unemployement, I would totally move back to Cali just for the food.
The other day after eating at Red Mango and being disappointed because it was definetly no YogurtLand, I started to think about my life and eating habits and how when I lived in California there was little to no foods that I missed in the Midwest. There was the occasional desire for Dorthy Lynche (sp?) dressing and in the summer sweet corn but that was really about it.
Now that I have been back in the midwest for almost a year I miss A LOT of resturants from CA. Yogurtland is a constent miss, especially in the warm summer months. When I went to Red Mango the other night I was kinda disappointed cuz they just don't have any many flavors and all of theirs were fruity, not sweet and fun like YogurtLand (oh rootbeer you were pretty awesome)
There is also In N Out Burger which is another constent miss. My mouth is currently watering thinking about those burgers and fries. I'm not going to lie I usually felt sick if I went Animal style on both the burger and the fries, but it was delicious and worth it every time.
Then there is El Pollo Loco and any place where I can get a decent fish taco. That is what I truly miss the most, fish tacos.
I went to a so called 'Mexican" resturant the other day for lunch and decided to order their fish tacos to try them out and it was kinda like eating a fish stick in a tortilla shell with some lettuce and tomatoes. I proceeded to try and cover it with several different things to help it out but nothing worked. It still makes me sad to think about it.
So even though I love my family and am happy to finally be employeed after almost a year of unemployement, I would totally move back to Cali just for the food.
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