"Your will be done"

I have had two major life verses in my life, that I have repeated to myself over and over again when times were rough.
The first one was Jeremiah 29:11. As I drove by myself from Iowa to LA in the spring of 2009 through hills of Utah in an extreme downpour this verse came to mind.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I breathed easier knowing that God had a plan, that should my car die, should I die, in this barren land with 100 miles to the next gas station, that it would be a part of God's plan. That should I live, it would be a part of God's plan. God had a future for me.

This was my verse until winter 2013, when I met someone who had the same life verse. When I was in a relationship that would change my life. When I experienced my first panic attack, as I heard that verse coming out of his mouth, and knew God was clearly speaking to me.
My prayer had changed that fall. That relationship had caused me to change. The words of my lips and pray of my heart had changed to a simple phrase, "Your will be done."
Yes I had a future and yes, God still had a plan for me, but what I needed to remind myself of was that God's will needed to be done. It wasn't about me, but about God.

Today as I reflected on this, I began to think more and more about the Lord's Prayer. About how Jesus instructed us to pray.
It starts out so simple.
Our Father - Ours not just Jesus', not just mine, not just yours, but OURS. We may not agree on predestination or the end of the world, but none of that matters. We have the same God, we share the same Father. We are a community of believers. Often we forget that.
who art in heaven - God is reigning over us, He is where we want to be.
hallowed be your name - God is are holy, God is worthy to be praised.
your kingdom come - Your kingdom God, not mine, not Joe's, but Yours.
your will be done - God what You want, what You will, what You desire. Not me, not my wants, not my wills, not my desires.
on earth - On earth, in this place. God's will be done here and now, where we walk and live.
as it is in heaven - let this place on earth be a mirror of heaven.
Give us today - Today, not tomorrow, not next week, or next month or when we graduate or get married but today.
our daily bread - God will not let us starve. He will deliver the manna from heaven. He will feed us. Daily.
and forgive us our trespasses - We will screw up. We are human and we fail, but God will forgive us.
as we forgive those who have sinned against us -  we need to forgive. Holding that grudge, holding that hurt, does nothing but hurt us. If God can forgive us, we need to extend that forgiveness onto others.
And lead us not into temptation - I am prone to screw up. It is only with God that I don't fail. If God is leading us, if our eyes are on God, we will be safer from temptation.
but deliver us from evil - God can rescue us. God DOES rescue us. He is the only thing that saves.

Matthew 6:9- 13, how simple, how beautiful. How often we just repeat the words from memory, without pausing to think about what they really mean.

The End

I am almost finished reading the entire Bible. I started in January of 2012 and was hoping but not planning on finishing before 2014.

My church did it as a church body in 2012, but I of course got off track and got behind. So I made a promise to myself when 2013 came around and I was still in the readings from July that I wouldn't drink any alcohol until I finished the Bible. 

So far I have kept that promise. I have had at least 3 dreams in which I drank, some in which I drank fully knowing that I was breaking my promise to myself, some in which I had forgotten and then as I started drinking remembered and stopped. 

But has now been a full year since alcohol has touched me lips. 

I wanted to hurry up and finish reading because I would have very much liked to celebrate New Years with a glass of champagne.

Part of me is expecting something amazing to happen when I finish those final words. As if some great miracle will occur. The heavens will part and God's will in my life will be made clear. 

The realistic part if me says that isn't possible, and is maybe even scared that something won't happen.

That the only event that will occur when I finally read Revelations 22:11 is that my roommates and friends will pop open a bottle of champagne. That there will be no significant life event that will coincide with me finally reading every bit of God's written word. I will have just finished a book. 

And that makes me sad. That keeps me from opening up my Bible right now and pushing through the final 40 pages. It will just be the end.

I expressed this feeling to a co-worker who in better words than I could ever write, informed me that it would be ok if something major didn't happen in those last words but that I would now have this knowledge stored away for future use. 

I hope that is true.

But I would also take a major revelation from God.

A year in review

I decided to look back at previous posts on Twitter and Facebook before I wrote my 2013 end of year wrap up letter (not Christmas letter those are to hard to get out in time)

I was a little surprised about how some of  my prayers from the beginning of 2013, are the same prayers I am saying at the end of 2013. 

"If you pray for God to take away something because it isn't apart of His plan, dont be surprised when He takes it away." "#womendontloveamanwholovesothers"

When I turned 32 in the summer I remember making a list of all the things I was going to finally do. I am currently unable to find that list but I remember one of them being to see a counselor. To seek help for the things that have plagued my emotional and spiritual life for so long.  

When I finally made that decision this fall it wasn't because I had remembered this list. It was out of sheer desperation. It was a call for help that arouse out of meeting a man who was just as broken if not more broken than myself. It was me stating that I no longer wanted to be that hot headed woman who when faced with trials would ran away, who would start a fire just to make sure the other person ran first, so I could be the hurt one.

So I sought help.

 I now meet with a lovely professionally trained Christian woman roughly once a week. Usually it just involves me sitting there and telling her all the latest drama that arises from being in a relationship with a broken man. And her sitting there telling me that she is proud that I didn't cuss him out, and that I got out of the car and cried in the middle of a parking lot instead of crossing any lines. It's not so much that she has amazingly wise words to say, because often the things she says are common sense. But its common sense I need to hear. It's things that in my hot headed emotionally charged brain I often can't seem to get at. It's knowing that every week I have to sit across from her for an hour and tell her everything that has led me back to her couch. It's knowing that even when I am not praying for the "right" things, that she is praying for ALL things. 

This is not exactly where I planned this post to go. I planned on writing about how I once again am praying for God to take away things that aren't in His plan and realizing when He does that and move on. 

It was going to be about how I once wrote that the problems of our world revolve around shows like The Bachelor in which women let themselves fall for a guy who loves other women. 

It was going to be about how the year is spherical and we always circle back. 

Instead it became about how I no longer wish to do that. How I have made the decision to break the cycle. 

2014 will not end the way it started. 

2014 will be the year in which I and hopefully others, break the cycle and step out of old patterns and start making real changes in our lives. And if we need help to do it, we seek help.