Silence and mourning

This year I have been really struck by the idea that on Friday night Jesus' disciples, his friends, his family watched him die.  They didn't know what was happening, they didn't know that their Lord was coming back. Unlike modern Christians Saturday wasn't a day of waiting. It was a day of silence, a day of grief and of mourning. 

For many modern Christians Saturday is the day of preparation. A day of preparation for a celebration. We spend the day grocery shopping, coloring eggs and preparing a banquet. 

But Jesus' followers, his friends spent Saturday in hiding. They spent Saturday in mourning. They did not know. They were not able to say that tonight we mourn and tomorrow we rejoice.

We get the privilege and honor to know that on Sunday we rejoice. On Sunday we proclaim the good news. They got the privilege and honor of knowing Jesus in the flesh. 

Today I will mourn.

Tomorrow I will celebrate, but today I grieve.  

"Your will be done"

I have had two major life verses in my life, that I have repeated to myself over and over again when times were rough.
The first one was Jeremiah 29:11. As I drove by myself from Iowa to LA in the spring of 2009 through hills of Utah in an extreme downpour this verse came to mind.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I breathed easier knowing that God had a plan, that should my car die, should I die, in this barren land with 100 miles to the next gas station, that it would be a part of God's plan. That should I live, it would be a part of God's plan. God had a future for me.

This was my verse until winter 2013, when I met someone who had the same life verse. When I was in a relationship that would change my life. When I experienced my first panic attack, as I heard that verse coming out of his mouth, and knew God was clearly speaking to me.
My prayer had changed that fall. That relationship had caused me to change. The words of my lips and pray of my heart had changed to a simple phrase, "Your will be done."
Yes I had a future and yes, God still had a plan for me, but what I needed to remind myself of was that God's will needed to be done. It wasn't about me, but about God.

Today as I reflected on this, I began to think more and more about the Lord's Prayer. About how Jesus instructed us to pray.
It starts out so simple.
Our Father - Ours not just Jesus', not just mine, not just yours, but OURS. We may not agree on predestination or the end of the world, but none of that matters. We have the same God, we share the same Father. We are a community of believers. Often we forget that.
who art in heaven - God is reigning over us, He is where we want to be.
hallowed be your name - God is are holy, God is worthy to be praised.
your kingdom come - Your kingdom God, not mine, not Joe's, but Yours.
your will be done - God what You want, what You will, what You desire. Not me, not my wants, not my wills, not my desires.
on earth - On earth, in this place. God's will be done here and now, where we walk and live.
as it is in heaven - let this place on earth be a mirror of heaven.
Give us today - Today, not tomorrow, not next week, or next month or when we graduate or get married but today.
our daily bread - God will not let us starve. He will deliver the manna from heaven. He will feed us. Daily.
and forgive us our trespasses - We will screw up. We are human and we fail, but God will forgive us.
as we forgive those who have sinned against us -  we need to forgive. Holding that grudge, holding that hurt, does nothing but hurt us. If God can forgive us, we need to extend that forgiveness onto others.
And lead us not into temptation - I am prone to screw up. It is only with God that I don't fail. If God is leading us, if our eyes are on God, we will be safer from temptation.
but deliver us from evil - God can rescue us. God DOES rescue us. He is the only thing that saves.

Matthew 6:9- 13, how simple, how beautiful. How often we just repeat the words from memory, without pausing to think about what they really mean.

Shutdown

Somedays I just can't deal so I shut down.

I can't deal with the rain and the cold. I can't deal with sharing my heart with someone and them not caring. I can't deal with the overly attached girl who needs to tell me all her problems. I can't deal with the boy who isn't what I need. I can't deal with the God that won't take away the pain. I can't deal with the friend who only thinks of themself.

So I shut down. I crawl into bed and pretend the world doesn't exist. Like I don't have to fit in a workout, or do laundry or clean my room or prep for Bible study or return text messages. 

I crawl into bed and close my eyes and wish it all away. I don't pray it away. I don't ask the Savior I believe in, to give me strength, or to take it away. I don't tell people that I need space or time. I just stop. As if stopping will make it all go away. As if during those moments the world will figure itself out without me and I will be able to step back in and be at a better place than before.

Granted there are some times when this is the case. When I just need to step away, calm myself down, get some sleep that I have been missing. 

However this is not always the case and no matter how much I will the problems and issues and overwhelming nature of life to just disappear, it does not and I am still stuck facing it all. 

The three year itch

Outside of the city I grew up in, three years is the average duration of time I've spent living in a location. 3 years in college town, 3 years in post college town, and now 3 years here.
This past fall when I officially hit my three year mark I thought about having a celebration. I had set down roots and had broken a record.
Now at three years and three months, I am starting to get the itch. The time for change, do something drastic, move to LA itch.
Every other time it was easy. I had graduated college and most of my friends has left town. I wasn't going where I dreamed career wise and hadn't really put down roots, just some temp posts to keep me from blowing over.
But here, here I have a home. I have a church that I love and that loves me. I have friendships that aren't just out of habit or because we live in the same space, but because we desire to be in each others lives and know each other and be known.  I have roots and they are intertwined with the city and the people who live here.
But I still have the itch. The desire for change, for something new.
How easy it would be for me to move cities, for me to crash on a friend's couch for a couple months and get my barrings. (One of the perks of having friends spread out all over the country.)  But I think about my life here and my friends here. No, moving cities for the sake of moving is no longer an option.
And I think about my job, and just up and quiting.  But I wouldn't do that. I am the two weeks notice, responsible type of girl.  Plus we are still in a recession and jobs aren't just growing on trees.
So what do I do? Previously when I have had an itch I couldn't scratch,  I have chopped off my hair, chemically straighten it, and dyed it. The first two aren't happening, I love my long curls. The third is always a possibility.  I have also gotten tattooed,  I have bought a new car, I have painted my apartment,  I have done massive purges of most everything I own. Just got a tattoo,  rearranged my apartment and did a minor purge.
Just enough to make the itch worse, to acknowledge that it is actually there.
Maybe tomorrow I will dye my hair, but if I am not careful I might end up unemployed by the end of the week.

Failures

I had a moment of panic last week during church that when it comes to judgement day and I am standing before the cross that I will fail for the times that I have been a poor friend, for the times when I have failed to proclaim God's name, for the times I have failed to hold on to God and nothing else. For the times when I have saught the pleasures of this world instead of holding out for the prizes of heaven.

Tonight as I drove around after returning a movie that I thought was going to be a comedy but was actually pretty deep and brought up some nasty things in me, I started to feel bad and like a failure. But this time not in God's eyes but the worlds.
I am 31 years old. Single, never married, no kids. Work a job (two actually) not because either of them are something I love but because I have to pay the bills. (Frankly I dont know what I would do if I wasn't just working to not be in debt.) Dont own a home. Live in a shoebox of a studio apartment that I struggle to keep clean, because even when I have time off from work or my non booming social life, I can't seem to make myself get off the couch for more then 5 mins at a time.

Lucky for me these two feelings didn't intersect and tonight as I drove around listening to K-love (because that is the Christian thing to do [cheesey]) I didn't feel like a failure in God's eyes and I knew that even though I am a bit of a screw up (sometimes larger than others) that God still loves me and is still proud of me and doesn't care that my house is a mess or that I dont know what I am doing with my life. He knows that I love Him and that even when things suck a lot that I won't turn my back on Him. That everyday I am becoming less of the person I was before, and more of the person He wants me to be. That as long as I try to please Him I can't fail and failure in the world's eyes mean nothing.

So here's the deal

I am 31 years old. (yes I know I need to update my profile)  I am single. I haven't had a boyfriend in 6 years or gone on a date in over a year.
Being 25 and single is awesome. Heck even 30 and single was pretty great but at 31 all sorts of reality has set in.
There is not currently any men in my life who are potential life mates. So even if I met the guy of my dreams tomorrow there is still some get to know you time, meet the family and friends, get engaged, plan a wedding, etc. time. So lets say at least 6 months but probably longer because I am me and slightly crazy and would spend 3 months debating if I actually want to live with someone else.
So a year from now I am married, and I want to have kids but not right a way so we wait. But I am almost 33 at this point and who knows what my body will do. But I dont just want one kid. Only children freak me out (side affect of a big family). So I will want to have another one but I am sure it will take awhile before I want to go through that again. Just like it takes me time to get over the pain of a tattoo and the lack of sleep from a busy week, so too will it take time for me to forget the pain of childbirth and remember that even though it hurt and I didn't sleep for months, it was worth it.
So there I will be 37 and pregnant with my second child. That is if my old fragile body can handle it. There goes my ideas of having a large family just like the one I grew up in. There is always adoption but that takes time as well. So maybe by the time I am 40 I can have 3 kids.

That is if I meet the guy of my dreams tomorrow....

Hmmmmmm

I have been having major I dont know what I am doing with my life moments lately.
Been at a job for almost two years that was just supposed to be something to pay the bills while i found a full time career. I have actually been asked if I  want to do this as my career and i cant say yes but i also cant say no. I like the tech part of my job. I love that I  get to build relationships with the people I  serve. My current position with my  company provides me some options for movement should I  decide that i want to live in a different city. Really that is a huge reason I  am still there. I like the idea that should i want to move to a new city i dont have to do the whole job search thing again.  But is that a good enough reason to stay at a job, prob not. and there are all these staffing/schedule changes going on right now that remind me that it doesnt matter how much I like what i am doing if i dont like the people i work with.  
I dont want to be the person who has a job just to pay the bills. I want to enjoy what I do. I want to not throw a hissy fit every day before work. I want to get ready for the day and be excited to go to a building that houses people I enjoy and activities I enjoy and just happens to pay me. I am a realist so I understand that no matter what that happening everyday may not happen. But I would like it to happen more often than not.

The funny thing about this post (that I have working on for a month) is that I had the thought about a week ago that maybe I will never be the person who knows what she wants to be when she grows up. I'm not a doctor or a teacher or a lawyer. I am a worker and maybe I will spend the rest of my life just going wherever God takes me to whatever job God wants me to do.

31 and still trying to figure it all out.

What am I great at?

The other day the neighbor boy (actually a 28 year old man) asked me what I was great at. I laughed because I have known the answer to this for many years and feel that it adds to my current dilemma.
I am not great at anything, but I am good at lots of things. I am a good cook, and photographer, and teacher, and hairstylist, and crocheter, and basketballer, and loads of other things, but I am not exceptionally great at any of them. If I had one amazing skill that is where I would be focusing my time and energy right now. On doing something that I am great at. On being something that I can excel at.
I guess I am a great listener and observer. What kind of job can I get with those skills?