Taking off the Mask

 I took a leap.

I jumped and took off the mask that I have been hiding behind. 

I admitted to people in my life that I suck. That my relationship with God sucks.

I have mentioned before that I am awful at maintaining relationships. If you are not in my day to day it is hard for me to keep you informed.

A lot of that is because I think you are busy with your own life, doing your own thing and you won't have time for me.

My relationship with God is like that a lot. 

He has A LOT going on for Him.  How am I to expect that He has time for me? 

So I just don't call. I don't text, I don't write letters. I still love Him and know that He loves me but that is about where our relationship ends.

But no one knows that this is how my relationship with God is. I hide behind the mask of being a leader, being a "good Christian" who has it all together.
But I don't know scripture. I can quote maybe a handful of verses. I don't know stories in the Bible outside of the classics. I am good at faking it. I know all the things to say to make it sound like I have it together.

I have been hiding

Hiding from God

Hiding from others

Hiding from myself.

It's not that I don't believe anymore. Because I do. I believe in Jesus Christ. I have seen and experienced God working in my life. It's just that I don't know that I can do it.

You know the phrase faking it til you make it. What if all I have been doing is faking it all along?

I can go through the motions especially when in front of people. I look like a "good Christian" but I don't really pray or read scripture, I just show up. 

I want to start over. I want to be honest. I don't want to pretend. Not hide behind some Christian image but be honest...

Yes I believe. No I don't do anything about it. I just show up.

Get out

I heard something recently that really broke my heart.
A man who was a leader in a church(not the church building I currently attend), it was found out that he was having an affair. Not just a one time indiscretion but he was in a relationship with someone who was not his wife. When his wife confronted him about it he admited to the affair, he told his wife that he wanted to seperate, that he wanted a divorce, that he loved this other woman.
Obviously my heart broke for the wife.
But that is not the part that really broke my heart.
Obviously since he was a leader in the church, church leadership was going to get involved. They would ask him to step down from leadership, which I feel is appropriate, but I also was informed that they were going to ask him to leave the church, and my heart broke for him. My heart broke for him. He is a wounded individual, he is a hurt man, he is a sick man. He obviously needs the healing and love of Christ.
But my heart also broke because of the way this other church is responding to sinners. To say no you have to leave, instead of we are going to stand here with you though this and love you through it. And obviously there is the thought that this is the church the wife goes to and wanting to protect her. And that I understand, 100%. He caused her harm and we should want to protect this woman in the church. I feel like we should do everything we can to protect the victim. But when it comes to an act of sin, and granted he has not asked for repentance, he is not repenting of his behavior in any shape or form but I feel that that does not give us as a church justification to say you cant come here any more. My heart breaks for this man who is obviously troubled and stuck in sin and the devil has a hold of him. And instead of our response being hey I am going to fight for you and instead of fighting for him and saying no this isn't appropraite behavior, you can't do this, I am going to stick with you through it, we are kicking him out until he changes his behavior.
One of the things I have heard from my own church recently that makes me love my church so much, is the phrase, Belong, Believe, Behave. First we get to a place where we feel like we belong and out of that belonging can come a belief in Christ and out of the belief, comes a change a behavior. So its not that we have to do good in order to be saved, and its not that we have to do whats right in order to be saved, and in order to feel like we belong. First we have to feel like we belong and we have to feel safe, and out of that comes a sense of belief and a sense of trust in Jesus Christ and out of the trust in Jesus and relationship with Him comes a change in behavior.
So my heart breaks for this man who is stuck in sin, my heart breaks for this man who is being kicked out of the church.
My heart breaks for his wife who is heartbroken at this betrayal.
And my heart breaks for the church.
I pray that he can be loved, I pray that he can be known. I pray that there is someone out there who will say I am going to fight for you brother. I am going to walk with you through this. And I will be here, til the day that you believe and I will be here til the day that you repent, and til the day that your behavior changes. I will make you feel belonged, I will make you feel loved despite of and because of your sin.
Just the way Jesus loves us because of and in despite of our sin.