This Mother's Day

This Mother's Day I am thankful for my mom who birthed me and raised me. 

For my aunts who supported that role. 

For my friend's moms who treat me as one of their own. 

For the older woman in my life who have filled motherly roles,

 for my peers who have mothered me when adulting is to hard, 

for my friends who are raising up tiny humans of their own.

I am thankful for the women who won't give birth or haven't yet. Thank you for showing me and reminding me that I can be an amazing woman without having the label of mom.

just because you haven't given birth or you're not responsible for another human life doesn't mean you haven't filled the role of mother in someone's life and you haven't loved well and you aren't less of a woman. you are valued and loved and I am thankful and grateful for you.

Moms are amazing and brave and strong.

But this day let us take another look at what the word mom means and be grateful and thankful and mindful of those woman who desire that title.

Hosea

Two things have happened recently.

1) I have entered into the world of dating

2) I am memorizing Bible verses for the first time, with the help of a dear friend.

1) Dating is weird. I have never not thought that. 

I have also never really dated. I always just end up in relationships. So trying this out, talking to some guys, going out to dinner, not knowing where things are headed. This is all new and strange and weird and hard.

2) My friend Alison and I had a conversation about how I have never memorized Bible verses. I actually totally suck at knowing scripture. 

When she suggested we work together to memorize scripture (so I can learn it and she can feel it) I took her up on the offer. 

Being a Christian has always been hard. Doing this on my own, for myself, is insanely hard.

These two things collided full force this morning as I opted out of going to a church service to stay home and enjoy breakfast and listen to the rain and try reading some scripture on my own.

I never know where to start when I open the Bible. Today I decided to use the memory verse as a guide. 

Hosea 6:1-2 "Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but will heal us; he has injured us but will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence."

I have read Hosea maybe once or twice, neither time really taking it in.

This morning as I started at chapter one, I didn't get very far in before the tears started. 

Before the idea of starting a relationship knowing it will fail and have issues had tears swelling in my eyes.

Two chapters in and I stopped to weep and pray that I don't forget God as I pursue romantic relationships.

Three chapters in, I had to step away, stuck on the idea of returning to your wife, returning to the woman who is loved by another, who loved another, who forsook you. Return to her and love her. 

Divorce is crazy real. Divorce in the dating world is crazy real. 

The last man I was with was divorced, several of the men I am dating now (that sounds weird, I am not a player) are divorced, for different reasons but mostly cheating.

Plus add in the whole me cheating on God and Him taking me back thing. 

I wanted to walk away, to read something different, but all I kept thinking was "don't quit. Don't give up hope. There has to be a good ending to this."

Hosea 6:3 "...As surely as the sun rises He will appear..."

7:3 "I long to redeem them..."

11:8-9 "My heart is changed within me; all of my compassion is aroused. I will not carry out my fierce anger...For I am God and not a man..."

14:4 "I will heal their waywardness and love them freely" 

Not only is there hope but there is a promise. A promise of being freely loved. A promise that the God who has a right to be angry with us, the God who has a case against us; will heal us, bind us, revive us, restore us, LOVE us.

Dating is still going to be weird and memorizing scripture is hard but hope and love will carry my through. 

My head is full

Trying to lay down to sleep and my head is full.

Full of thoughts about inmates and how they are loved and that no matter their past crime they still deserve to know they are loved. (By God and by others)

Full of thoughts of how no one deserves love but God loves us all anyway.

Full of thoughts of the power of the written word. The value and meaning behind that someone took the time to write something down. 

Full of over processing and over thinking. 

Full of feeling and emotions and tears.

Full of a heart that doesn't fit in my chest.

Full of a God who holds it all easily in His hands. 

Because you will never read this

You will never know that I first realized I loved you on Christmas Eve. 

You will never know how my heart broke in that realization. 

How my heart still breaks in knowing that the man I loved was never meant to be mine.

Love is powerful and strong and leaves a mark.

Love is dangerous and beautiful and hopeful. 

My love for you left a scar. Christ's love for me has made me whole. 

Get out

I heard something recently that really broke my heart.
A man who was a leader in a church(not the church building I currently attend), it was found out that he was having an affair. Not just a one time indiscretion but he was in a relationship with someone who was not his wife. When his wife confronted him about it he admited to the affair, he told his wife that he wanted to seperate, that he wanted a divorce, that he loved this other woman.
Obviously my heart broke for the wife.
But that is not the part that really broke my heart.
Obviously since he was a leader in the church, church leadership was going to get involved. They would ask him to step down from leadership, which I feel is appropriate, but I also was informed that they were going to ask him to leave the church, and my heart broke for him. My heart broke for him. He is a wounded individual, he is a hurt man, he is a sick man. He obviously needs the healing and love of Christ.
But my heart also broke because of the way this other church is responding to sinners. To say no you have to leave, instead of we are going to stand here with you though this and love you through it. And obviously there is the thought that this is the church the wife goes to and wanting to protect her. And that I understand, 100%. He caused her harm and we should want to protect this woman in the church. I feel like we should do everything we can to protect the victim. But when it comes to an act of sin, and granted he has not asked for repentance, he is not repenting of his behavior in any shape or form but I feel that that does not give us as a church justification to say you cant come here any more. My heart breaks for this man who is obviously troubled and stuck in sin and the devil has a hold of him. And instead of our response being hey I am going to fight for you and instead of fighting for him and saying no this isn't appropraite behavior, you can't do this, I am going to stick with you through it, we are kicking him out until he changes his behavior.
One of the things I have heard from my own church recently that makes me love my church so much, is the phrase, Belong, Believe, Behave. First we get to a place where we feel like we belong and out of that belonging can come a belief in Christ and out of the belief, comes a change a behavior. So its not that we have to do good in order to be saved, and its not that we have to do whats right in order to be saved, and in order to feel like we belong. First we have to feel like we belong and we have to feel safe, and out of that comes a sense of belief and a sense of trust in Jesus Christ and out of the trust in Jesus and relationship with Him comes a change in behavior.
So my heart breaks for this man who is stuck in sin, my heart breaks for this man who is being kicked out of the church.
My heart breaks for his wife who is heartbroken at this betrayal.
And my heart breaks for the church.
I pray that he can be loved, I pray that he can be known. I pray that there is someone out there who will say I am going to fight for you brother. I am going to walk with you through this. And I will be here, til the day that you believe and I will be here til the day that you repent, and til the day that your behavior changes. I will make you feel belonged, I will make you feel loved despite of and because of your sin.
Just the way Jesus loves us because of and in despite of our sin.

November 1, 2013

There is a man who has seen my broken and despite all of that bc all of that he wants to spend time with me. 

And there is a man who loves God with his whole heart and is fearishously pursuing   God who has seen none of my broken, who knows none of my hurt, who is spending time with me not knowing what he is walking into. 

And the refreshing feeling that comes from not having to hide anything from guy 1 has me in fear that the moment guy 2 learns any of this, that he will run. That he will judge and blame and walk away. That no love of God will keep him in my life. 

The current predicament I am in, is that I have shown myself, sin and faults and all to a man who I won't marry, and now I am scared and worried about showing myself to any other man and being rejected. Not being accepted and loved and cared for because of this grossness that I have hidden for so long. Even though it was hard and hurt to expose myself to this man it's refreshing to know that he isn't going anywhere. That our relationship, our friendship is fully intact. And I want to so badly so deeply just confess those things to man 2, just to get it out of the way. To not get invested to not get in to deep, to not be tied in emotionally and have him walk away. Have him see my sin, see my faults and turn and walk away. 

But what if he doesn't? What if he loves me the way God loves me? What if he can look past my mistakes, past my faults and see the broken but forgiven human being that God made me to be?

So here's the deal

I am 31 years old. (yes I know I need to update my profile)  I am single. I haven't had a boyfriend in 6 years or gone on a date in over a year.
Being 25 and single is awesome. Heck even 30 and single was pretty great but at 31 all sorts of reality has set in.
There is not currently any men in my life who are potential life mates. So even if I met the guy of my dreams tomorrow there is still some get to know you time, meet the family and friends, get engaged, plan a wedding, etc. time. So lets say at least 6 months but probably longer because I am me and slightly crazy and would spend 3 months debating if I actually want to live with someone else.
So a year from now I am married, and I want to have kids but not right a way so we wait. But I am almost 33 at this point and who knows what my body will do. But I dont just want one kid. Only children freak me out (side affect of a big family). So I will want to have another one but I am sure it will take awhile before I want to go through that again. Just like it takes me time to get over the pain of a tattoo and the lack of sleep from a busy week, so too will it take time for me to forget the pain of childbirth and remember that even though it hurt and I didn't sleep for months, it was worth it.
So there I will be 37 and pregnant with my second child. That is if my old fragile body can handle it. There goes my ideas of having a large family just like the one I grew up in. There is always adoption but that takes time as well. So maybe by the time I am 40 I can have 3 kids.

That is if I meet the guy of my dreams tomorrow....