Get out

I heard something recently that really broke my heart.
A man who was a leader in a church(not the church building I currently attend), it was found out that he was having an affair. Not just a one time indiscretion but he was in a relationship with someone who was not his wife. When his wife confronted him about it he admited to the affair, he told his wife that he wanted to seperate, that he wanted a divorce, that he loved this other woman.
Obviously my heart broke for the wife.
But that is not the part that really broke my heart.
Obviously since he was a leader in the church, church leadership was going to get involved. They would ask him to step down from leadership, which I feel is appropriate, but I also was informed that they were going to ask him to leave the church, and my heart broke for him. My heart broke for him. He is a wounded individual, he is a hurt man, he is a sick man. He obviously needs the healing and love of Christ.
But my heart also broke because of the way this other church is responding to sinners. To say no you have to leave, instead of we are going to stand here with you though this and love you through it. And obviously there is the thought that this is the church the wife goes to and wanting to protect her. And that I understand, 100%. He caused her harm and we should want to protect this woman in the church. I feel like we should do everything we can to protect the victim. But when it comes to an act of sin, and granted he has not asked for repentance, he is not repenting of his behavior in any shape or form but I feel that that does not give us as a church justification to say you cant come here any more. My heart breaks for this man who is obviously troubled and stuck in sin and the devil has a hold of him. And instead of our response being hey I am going to fight for you and instead of fighting for him and saying no this isn't appropraite behavior, you can't do this, I am going to stick with you through it, we are kicking him out until he changes his behavior.
One of the things I have heard from my own church recently that makes me love my church so much, is the phrase, Belong, Believe, Behave. First we get to a place where we feel like we belong and out of that belonging can come a belief in Christ and out of the belief, comes a change a behavior. So its not that we have to do good in order to be saved, and its not that we have to do whats right in order to be saved, and in order to feel like we belong. First we have to feel like we belong and we have to feel safe, and out of that comes a sense of belief and a sense of trust in Jesus Christ and out of the trust in Jesus and relationship with Him comes a change in behavior.
So my heart breaks for this man who is stuck in sin, my heart breaks for this man who is being kicked out of the church.
My heart breaks for his wife who is heartbroken at this betrayal.
And my heart breaks for the church.
I pray that he can be loved, I pray that he can be known. I pray that there is someone out there who will say I am going to fight for you brother. I am going to walk with you through this. And I will be here, til the day that you believe and I will be here til the day that you repent, and til the day that your behavior changes. I will make you feel belonged, I will make you feel loved despite of and because of your sin.
Just the way Jesus loves us because of and in despite of our sin.

November 1, 2013

There is a man who has seen my broken and despite all of that bc all of that he wants to spend time with me. 

And there is a man who loves God with his whole heart and is fearishously pursuing   God who has seen none of my broken, who knows none of my hurt, who is spending time with me not knowing what he is walking into. 

And the refreshing feeling that comes from not having to hide anything from guy 1 has me in fear that the moment guy 2 learns any of this, that he will run. That he will judge and blame and walk away. That no love of God will keep him in my life. 

The current predicament I am in, is that I have shown myself, sin and faults and all to a man who I won't marry, and now I am scared and worried about showing myself to any other man and being rejected. Not being accepted and loved and cared for because of this grossness that I have hidden for so long. Even though it was hard and hurt to expose myself to this man it's refreshing to know that he isn't going anywhere. That our relationship, our friendship is fully intact. And I want to so badly so deeply just confess those things to man 2, just to get it out of the way. To not get invested to not get in to deep, to not be tied in emotionally and have him walk away. Have him see my sin, see my faults and turn and walk away. 

But what if he doesn't? What if he loves me the way God loves me? What if he can look past my mistakes, past my faults and see the broken but forgiven human being that God made me to be?

Sin and Forgiveness

For many years I led a very unChristian life. Even after "becoming" a Christian I continued to do what I wanted and sacrificed nothing.
For the last two years I have tried harder to live a life like Christ. To sacrifice more and sin less. I had put the past behind me and moved on.

This weekend the past came out with a fury. I was reminded of the life I once lived and all the guilt and pain that came with it came flooding back. A friend tried to encourage me and remind me that those experiences made me who I am today and to regret nothing. I take no solice in that statement.
I only have one major regret in life, something I wish I hadn't done, and yes the past has brought me to where I am today, which doesn't totally suck. But the past has also left me messed up and broken, wondering who could ever love and accept me.
In church today we discussed that everyone pays for sin but no one has gone to far from the love of God. God is perfect and flawless and forgives all my failures and loves me and accepts me, sin and all.
Humans are not as loving and forgiving. Humans while created in God's image, are not God and can not always look past the faults and failures of the human form.
What are we supposed to do with that? How does one deal with their own forgiveness from God, with the knowledge that their human partner may not forgive? How does one find a human partner in all that mess?