I am a bad friend

I am horrible at relationships. I must have missed that day in school.

I am not just talking about dating. But friends, family, coworkers, God. Any and all relationships, I have never been good at.

In grade school I didn't have a lot of friends. My birthday parties were always just family. I hung out with cousins and the neighbor kids, and even those relationships I couldn't make last into middle school or high school. 

High school I hung out with a few people, but once again I was bad. I rarely initiated the conversations or the hang outs. I was always on the receiving end. 

College I sat in my room until people came and talked to me. During summer breaks I rarely spoke to those people. Out of sight out of mind seemed to be the running theme.

Even now as a grown woman, with all the technology we have, if you are not a part of my day to day life I don't reach out to you; even if you are, I don't reach out. I sit and I wait. I wait for someone to speak to me.

I do the same thing with God. I don't hang out with Him daily. We see each other on the weekends and a few times during the week, but usually I just sit around waiting for Him.

I wait for Him to reach out to me. To say something big, to comfort me when I hurt, to grant me knowledge and wisdom and peace. 

I sit with my phone always on me, waiting. 

Part of my reason for not reaching out to others is that I never want to be a bother. I don't want to interrupt their life. And what if they don't want to speak to me, like I want to speak to them. 

But see the thing is when I do reach out and reconnect with those old friends, things are as if they have never changed. They love and care for me the same way they did before. 

God is the same way. When I open up and speak to him. He opens up and speaks to me. Loving me and caring for me the same way as before. But taking that first step is always the hardest and scariest, the fear of rejection hangs tight.

God I am sorry I have been a bad friend.
Friends I am sorry I have been a bad friend.

I promise I will try to do better. That is all I have. The promise to try. 

November 1, 2013

There is a man who has seen my broken and despite all of that bc all of that he wants to spend time with me. 

And there is a man who loves God with his whole heart and is fearishously pursuing   God who has seen none of my broken, who knows none of my hurt, who is spending time with me not knowing what he is walking into. 

And the refreshing feeling that comes from not having to hide anything from guy 1 has me in fear that the moment guy 2 learns any of this, that he will run. That he will judge and blame and walk away. That no love of God will keep him in my life. 

The current predicament I am in, is that I have shown myself, sin and faults and all to a man who I won't marry, and now I am scared and worried about showing myself to any other man and being rejected. Not being accepted and loved and cared for because of this grossness that I have hidden for so long. Even though it was hard and hurt to expose myself to this man it's refreshing to know that he isn't going anywhere. That our relationship, our friendship is fully intact. And I want to so badly so deeply just confess those things to man 2, just to get it out of the way. To not get invested to not get in to deep, to not be tied in emotionally and have him walk away. Have him see my sin, see my faults and turn and walk away. 

But what if he doesn't? What if he loves me the way God loves me? What if he can look past my mistakes, past my faults and see the broken but forgiven human being that God made me to be?

Crushes

I will admit I enjoy a good crush. I like thinking a boy is cute/funny/smart and the way my heart goes fliter flater when he walks by. That initial "I think you are cute" and then as you get to know them more you realize I would never actually date you and it is less commital and you dont have to get them invovled
My favorite kind of crushes are the ones I know I will never act on, the celebrity,  the random guy down the street, the co-worker.
Part of it is that I like the idea of them in my head. The man that I have built them up to be, so I would never act on it and have that bubble burst. The other part is a genuine fear of rejection. So thus the no action.
But still I enjoy the crush. I enjoy the smile that creeps across your face when you see them. The way your heart goes pitter patter when they look your way. And even when the crush has run its course and it over and you have moved on, every once in a while you smile remember the way they used to make you feel.
Strangely enough I also enjoy that moment when through lifes many events you find the flaw. He is in a relationship,  he doesn't love Jesus, he has a thing for country music. That moment when the house of cards comes tumbling down. That moment of total and complete sadness, and after a moment of absurd heartbreak a new crush is formed and the process starts all over again.

The Past

<p>Tonight I got a very unexpected friend request. The man who has the record for my longest relationship wanted to be my facebook friend. The man who I dated off and on for 3 years, cheating on me and breaking my heart multiple times, wanted back in my life after no contact for over 6 years. <br>
It took me a long time to get over him, to get over those feelings of hurt and betrayal from a man who said he wanted to marry me, who wanted to father my children. <br>
I had closed and locked the door on that part of my life. I no longer associated with people from that time, I avoided the places we would hang out. I had moved on.
And tonight, tonight I was faced with all of that all over again. Those feelings of hurt and betrayal as I saw his name and the photo of him with his wife and kids.
Five years ago I would have cried. I would have grabbed a bottle of wine, and drank until the tears contained nothing but alcohol. I would have made some phone calls and let my anger guide me down a path of poor choices.
But tonight, as my heart sank as those memories came flooding back, I was allowed a moment of reflection. I am no longer that girl that would allow a second and third chance to a boy who cheated on me. I am no longer the girl who would let her pain lead her down a path of destruction.  I am no longer the girl who would drown her tears in alcohol.
I am now the woman who moves on. The woman who recognizes her pain and lets it go. The woman who sees her past and by the grace of God does not have to relive it. There might still be tears tonight, not out of pain, but out of thankfulness to a God who has saved me from it all. A God who has blessed me more than I deserve, a God who will continue to bless me more than I can imagine.

I will not be adding to my friends list tonight or anytime in the near future, not that name anyway.