Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Day

I broke my own heart tonight.
 Thinking of second chances and wishing for the day when there will be peace and civilness.
Praying that some day two broken people will heal enough to be able to be in each others presence without fear of hurt or back sliding. 
That someday lives can be lead without fear. 
My heart aches for that day. My soul wishes for it to be tomorrow. 
My mind doubts that day will ever come, and so I hurt, and I cry. 
And yet again I try to move on.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Encouragement for the Singles

There was multiple times this weekend
when I was glad to be completely single.
I lounged on the couch Friday night until it was time for late night pie with friends.
Saturday I ran, then ran errands all day, only home long enough to eat and shower before going out with coworkers. 
Sunday was church, lunch, nap, hospital visit and Lord of the Rings.

As I sat on my friend's couch Sunday night I became so thankful for my singleness. Even as several of my friends got engaged this weekend, I was not sad or lonely. 
I was glad. I was glad I didn't have to drag someone awkwardly to an event with a handful of coworkers, where the conversation was mostly about work. I was glad that I didn't have to worry about fitting in hang out time with a significant other. I enjoyed spending my Saturday going at my own pace, adding and taking  away activities as I saw fit. I liked that I didn't have to have an akward conversation or feel bad for not inviting a boy along to the girls watching of Lord of the Rings.

Now I don't want you to get the wrong idea and think that I am some pillar of singleness. There are times when I am desperately lonely. There are days when I desire to keep someone up to date with my schedule. When I wish I had someone to drag along with me to silly work functions. 
But this weekend was not one of those times. This weekend I enjoyed my singleness for all of its wonderfulness. 
I believe that someday I will get married, someday I will have someone else's schedule to work around. Someday I will long for these days again. So now when those days of loneliness come I will try and think of that time, in the future, where I will no longer be young and wild and free. I will be old and tame and caged, me, my husband and our 2.5 kids, and I will long desperately for these days. 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

What do non-Catholics do on Ash Wednesday?

As a former Catholic and current Christian, Ash Wednesday is a weird day for me. 

I feel like I should do something. But not sure exactly what. 
Going to Catholic mass isn't really an option, as I have some pretty mixed feelings about that whole thing still. (15 years after I actively stopped attending mass)  
One of my friends agreed stating "#iwanttheashes #idontwanttheashes" 

It's not even so much the ashes that I want/don't want. 

Maybe it's the sense of community that used to come from attending Ash Wednesday services and being marked for the world to see. 
Maybe it's my current desire to spend my days in scripture, discussing concepts, and reading articles/blogs on Christian topics. 
Maybe it is a recognition of today being the start of something big. 

No matter the reason behind the feeling, it is there. And I am not sure what to do with it. So like I do with most things that fall in this category I will just try not to think about it and move on. Maybe read some scripture too. 

Monday, March 3, 2014

Remade

I cry a lot easier these days. From wounds that have yet to heal, from old wounds that have been broken open. 
I do not sniffle them down or push them away, unless for just a moment to arrive at a more appropriate place to let them flow.
I have not allowed my heartache to make me bitter, though I hurt. 
And sometimes I allow that hurt to overtake me, to bring me to my knees, because I know that in order for a broken bone to heal it needs to be reset and sometimes that is the most painful thing of all. 
So I hurt and I ache, and sometimes everything in me shakes. But I am being broken to be repaired. To be made new. 
I am ruined to be remade. 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

November 1, 2013

There is a man who has seen my broken and despite all of that bc all of that he wants to spend time with me. 
And there is a man who loves God with his whole heart and is fearishously pursuing   God who has seen none of my broken, who knows none of my hurt, who is spending time with me not knowing what he is walking into. 
And the refreshing feeling that comes from not having to hide anything from guy 1 has me in fear that the moment guy 2 learns any of this, that he will run. That he will judge and blame and walk away. That no love of God will keep him in my life. 

The current predicament I am in, is that I have shown myself, sin and faults and all to a man who I won't marry, and now I am scared and worried about showing myself to any other man and being rejected. Not being accepted and loved and cared for because of this grossness that I have hidden for so long. Even though it was hard and hurt to expose myself to this man it's refreshing to know that he isn't going anywhere. That our relationship, our friendship is fully intact. And I want to so badly so deeply just confess those things to man 2, just to get it out of the way. To not get invested to not get in to deep, to not be tied in emotionally and have him walk away. Have him see my sin, see my faults and turn and walk away. 
But what if he doesn't? What if he loves me the way God loves me? What if he can look past my mistakes, past my faults and see the broken but forgiven human being that God made me to be?

Sunday, December 29, 2013

The End

I am almost finished reading the entire Bible. I started in January of 2012 and was hoping but not planning on finishing before 2014.
My church did it as a church body in 2012, but I of course got off track and got behind. So I made a promise to myself when 2013 came around and I was still in the readings from July that I wouldn't drink any alcohol until I finished the Bible. 
So far I have kept that promise. I have had at least 3 dreams in which I drank, some in which I drank fully knowing that I was breaking my promise to myself, some in which I had forgotten and then as I started drinking remembered and stopped. 
But has now been a full year since alcohol has touched me lips. 
I wanted to hurry up and finish reading because I would have very much liked to celebrate New Years with a glass of champagne.

Part of me is expecting something amazing to happen when I finish those final words. As if some great miracle will occur. The heavens will part and God's will in my life will be made clear. 
The realistic part if me says that isn't possible, and is maybe even scared that something won't happen.
That the only event that will occur when I finally read Revelations 22:11 is that my roommates and friends will pop open a bottle of champagne. That there will be no significant life event that will coincide with me finally reading every bit of God's written word. I will have just finished a book. 
And that makes me sad. That keeps me from opening up my Bible right now and pushing through the final 40 pages. It will just be the end.

I expressed this feeling to a co-worker who in better words than I could ever write, informed me that it would be ok if something major didn't happen in those last words but that I would now have this knowledge stored away for future use. 
I hope that is true.
But I would also take a major revelation from God.

Friday, December 27, 2013

A year in review

I decided to look back at previous posts on Twitter and Facebook before I wrote my 2013 end of year wrap up letter (not Christmas letter those are to hard to get out in time)
I was a little surprised about how some of  my prayers from the beginning of 2013, are the same prayers I am saying at the end of 2013. 
"If you pray for God to take away something because it isn't apart of His plan, dont be surprised when He takes it away." "#womendontloveamanwholovesothers"
When I turned 32 in the summer I remember making a list of all the things I was going to finally do. I am currently unable to find that list but I remember one of them being to see a counselor. To seek help for the things that have plagued my emotional and spiritual life for so long.  
When I finally made that decision this fall it wasn't because I had remembered this list. It was out of sheer desperation. It was a call for help that arouse out of meeting a man who was just as broken if not more broken than myself. It was me stating that I no longer wanted to be that hot headed woman who when faced with trials would ran away, who would start a fire just to make sure the other person ran first, so I could be the hurt one.
So I sought help.
 I now meet with a lovely professionally trained Christian woman roughly once a week. Usually it just involves me sitting there and telling her all the latest drama that arises from being in a relationship with a broken man. And her sitting there telling me that she is proud that I didn't cuss him out, and that I got out of the car and cried in the middle of a parking lot instead of crossing any lines. It's not so much that she has amazingly wise words to say, because often the things she says are common sense. But its common sense I need to hear. It's things that in my hot headed emotionally charged brain I often can't seem to get at. It's knowing that every week I have to sit across from her for an hour and tell her everything that has led me back to her couch. It's knowing that even when I am not praying for the "right" things, that she is praying for ALL things. 
This is not exactly where I planned this post to go. I planned on writing about how I once again am praying for God to take away things that aren't in His plan and realizing when He does that and move on. 
It was going to be about how I once wrote that the problems of our world revolve around shows like The Bachelor in which women let themselves fall for a guy who loves other women. 
It was going to be about how the year is spherical and we always circle back. 
Instead it became about how I no longer wish to do that. How I have made the decision to break the cycle. 
2014 will not end the way it started. 
2014 will be the year in which I and hopefully others, break the cycle and step out of old patterns and start making real changes in our lives. And if we need help to do it, we seek help.