Things sure do change

As I was driving home last night at 3am from a guy's house all I could think about was that if I had been doing that less then 10yrs ago, heck even 5 yrs ago it would have been for completely different reasons.

8 years ago I would have been still drunk, fighting to stay inbetween the lines and stopping at all the signs, after having sex with a guy who only liked me because he liked having sex with me, and I only liked because he paid attention to me.
Last night I was completely sober, obeyed all traffic rules, after playing RockBand with several friends who enjoy each other for who we are.

Not to say the old thoughts didn't cross my mind, as I made myself mixed drinks. How easy it would be to pour a bit more alcohol into my glass, how I could get drunk, and have to spend the night because I couldn't drive. How easy it would be to crawl into his bed, and to kiss his lips.
All of those thoughts went through my head and at the end of the night as the group sat on the couches, some sobering up, some (me) trying to wake up, but something was different. I was no longer the lonely desprite girl from all those years ago. I no longer needed to have that moment in order to feel like I was worth something to someone.



Moments like that in my life, when I dont need to get drunk to have a good time, and I don't seek approval in someone else, make me think. Is this something that has happened with age, or is this the work of God? Some days like when I am working with my 19yr old coworkers with little to no work ethic, I know that it is an age thing. Other moments like when I am taking care of my drunk friends who are the same age or older then me I know it is a God thing. [slight side track: Me not getting drunk is also a bit of a control thing. I know I don't need to drink to have a good time, but I am also afraid of losing control and doing something stupid so I don't get drunk anymore. Totally just realized that] I know that God has changed me, and shown me that I am enough as I am. That I don't need to seek approval in others, especially men. I feel like a completely different person from that girl driving home drunk 8 yrs ago. Like Ted from HIMYM told Robin, I have become my own doppelganger.

I have so much to say

I keep meaning to post. I really do. I want this to be more apart of my life. But every time I have something to say I am not near a computer or insert a thousand other excuses here.
Right now primary excuse is my head is full of coffee and tea and sounds of the coffee shop and sickness and desire to go to my apartment but there is no water there so I am here in case i need to pee or something.

It is also full of thoughts on relationships and trying to figure out how to interact with men who I am attracted to but can't date and dont know how they feel about me. And trying to figure out what it means when they are nice to me even though I am sure they are just being friendly and not trying to get into my pants.