New Year's Eve

I don't get it. 

Stay up past bedtime, mess with sleeping schedule; for what? To see another day come in? That happens every day, every day is new, every morning is fresh. 

No point in losing sleep over one more day.

See you kids in 2015. 

Because you will never read this

You will never know that I first realized I loved you on Christmas Eve. 

You will never know how my heart broke in that realization. 

How my heart still breaks in knowing that the man I loved was never meant to be mine.

Love is powerful and strong and leaves a mark.

Love is dangerous and beautiful and hopeful. 

My love for you left a scar. Christ's love for me has made me whole. 

I am a bad friend

I am horrible at relationships. I must have missed that day in school.

I am not just talking about dating. But friends, family, coworkers, God. Any and all relationships, I have never been good at.

In grade school I didn't have a lot of friends. My birthday parties were always just family. I hung out with cousins and the neighbor kids, and even those relationships I couldn't make last into middle school or high school. 

High school I hung out with a few people, but once again I was bad. I rarely initiated the conversations or the hang outs. I was always on the receiving end. 

College I sat in my room until people came and talked to me. During summer breaks I rarely spoke to those people. Out of sight out of mind seemed to be the running theme.

Even now as a grown woman, with all the technology we have, if you are not a part of my day to day life I don't reach out to you; even if you are, I don't reach out. I sit and I wait. I wait for someone to speak to me.

I do the same thing with God. I don't hang out with Him daily. We see each other on the weekends and a few times during the week, but usually I just sit around waiting for Him.

I wait for Him to reach out to me. To say something big, to comfort me when I hurt, to grant me knowledge and wisdom and peace. 

I sit with my phone always on me, waiting. 

Part of my reason for not reaching out to others is that I never want to be a bother. I don't want to interrupt their life. And what if they don't want to speak to me, like I want to speak to them. 

But see the thing is when I do reach out and reconnect with those old friends, things are as if they have never changed. They love and care for me the same way they did before. 

God is the same way. When I open up and speak to him. He opens up and speaks to me. Loving me and caring for me the same way as before. But taking that first step is always the hardest and scariest, the fear of rejection hangs tight.

God I am sorry I have been a bad friend.
Friends I am sorry I have been a bad friend.

I promise I will try to do better. That is all I have. The promise to try. 

Hope

"Be astonished! Be astounded! For a work is being done in your days that you would not believe if you were told." - Habakkuk 1:5

Some day I will look back. Some day I will look back at this time and this place and be amazed and in awe of what God has brought me through and what He has brought me to. 

And so for now I will hold on to that moment in the future. I will hope for the day that I can sit in a place and time and say "For this. This is the place and space God has brought me to. What a better place than I could have imagined."

Get out

I heard something recently that really broke my heart.
A man who was a leader in a church(not the church building I currently attend), it was found out that he was having an affair. Not just a one time indiscretion but he was in a relationship with someone who was not his wife. When his wife confronted him about it he admited to the affair, he told his wife that he wanted to seperate, that he wanted a divorce, that he loved this other woman.
Obviously my heart broke for the wife.
But that is not the part that really broke my heart.
Obviously since he was a leader in the church, church leadership was going to get involved. They would ask him to step down from leadership, which I feel is appropriate, but I also was informed that they were going to ask him to leave the church, and my heart broke for him. My heart broke for him. He is a wounded individual, he is a hurt man, he is a sick man. He obviously needs the healing and love of Christ.
But my heart also broke because of the way this other church is responding to sinners. To say no you have to leave, instead of we are going to stand here with you though this and love you through it. And obviously there is the thought that this is the church the wife goes to and wanting to protect her. And that I understand, 100%. He caused her harm and we should want to protect this woman in the church. I feel like we should do everything we can to protect the victim. But when it comes to an act of sin, and granted he has not asked for repentance, he is not repenting of his behavior in any shape or form but I feel that that does not give us as a church justification to say you cant come here any more. My heart breaks for this man who is obviously troubled and stuck in sin and the devil has a hold of him. And instead of our response being hey I am going to fight for you and instead of fighting for him and saying no this isn't appropraite behavior, you can't do this, I am going to stick with you through it, we are kicking him out until he changes his behavior.
One of the things I have heard from my own church recently that makes me love my church so much, is the phrase, Belong, Believe, Behave. First we get to a place where we feel like we belong and out of that belonging can come a belief in Christ and out of the belief, comes a change a behavior. So its not that we have to do good in order to be saved, and its not that we have to do whats right in order to be saved, and in order to feel like we belong. First we have to feel like we belong and we have to feel safe, and out of that comes a sense of belief and a sense of trust in Jesus Christ and out of the trust in Jesus and relationship with Him comes a change in behavior.
So my heart breaks for this man who is stuck in sin, my heart breaks for this man who is being kicked out of the church.
My heart breaks for his wife who is heartbroken at this betrayal.
And my heart breaks for the church.
I pray that he can be loved, I pray that he can be known. I pray that there is someone out there who will say I am going to fight for you brother. I am going to walk with you through this. And I will be here, til the day that you believe and I will be here til the day that you repent, and til the day that your behavior changes. I will make you feel belonged, I will make you feel loved despite of and because of your sin.
Just the way Jesus loves us because of and in despite of our sin.

"I just miss my friend"

I miss my friend too.

I miss the guy I bonded with over sour cream and a mutual love for silly things. 

I miss being completely honest and knowing that we would always come back to "us". 

I miss my partner in adventure, my not afraid to say what's on his mind companion. 

But I also miss not crying every day and being able to go out without fear of running in to you. I miss my heart being in one piece. I miss day dreams that didn't lead to hurt. I miss saying that I am okay and really meaning it. 

I miss having crushes and being able to look at a guy without wondering if he will hurt me too. 

I miss listening to the radio and not having every song remind me of you.

I miss avoiding people because they annoy me not because they remind me of you. 

I miss peace and restfulness.

I miss my life. 

Day

I broke my own heart tonight.

 Thinking of second chances and wishing for the day when there will be peace and civilness.

Praying that some day two broken people will heal enough to be able to be in each others presence without fear of hurt or back sliding. 

That someday lives can be lead without fear. 

My heart aches for that day. My soul wishes for it to be tomorrow. 

My mind doubts that day will ever come, and so I hurt, and I cry. 

And yet again I try to move on.

Encouragement for the Singles

There was multiple times this weekend
when I was glad to be completely single.

I lounged on the couch Friday night until it was time for late night pie with friends.

Saturday I ran, then ran errands all day, only home long enough to eat and shower before going out with coworkers. 

Sunday was church, lunch, nap, hospital visit and Lord of the Rings.

As I sat on my friend's couch Sunday night I became so thankful for my singleness. Even as several of my friends got engaged this weekend, I was not sad or lonely. 

I was glad. I was glad I didn't have to drag someone awkwardly to an event with a handful of coworkers, where the conversation was mostly about work. I was glad that I didn't have to worry about fitting in hang out time with a significant other. I enjoyed spending my Saturday going at my own pace, adding and taking  away activities as I saw fit. I liked that I didn't have to have an akward conversation or feel bad for not inviting a boy along to the girls watching of Lord of the Rings.

Now I don't want you to get the wrong idea and think that I am some pillar of singleness. There are times when I am desperately lonely. There are days when I desire to keep someone up to date with my schedule. When I wish I had someone to drag along with me to silly work functions. 

But this weekend was not one of those times. This weekend I enjoyed my singleness for all of its wonderfulness. 

I believe that someday I will get married, someday I will have someone else's schedule to work around. Someday I will long for these days again. So now when those days of loneliness come I will try and think of that time, in the future, where I will no longer be young and wild and free. I will be old and tame and caged, me, my husband and our 2.5 kids, and I will long desperately for these days. 

What do non-Catholics do on Ash Wednesday?

As a former Catholic and current Christian, Ash Wednesday is a weird day for me. 

I feel like I should do something. But not sure exactly what. 

Going to Catholic mass isn't really an option, as I have some pretty mixed feelings about that whole thing still. (15 years after I actively stopped attending mass)  

One of my friends agreed stating "#iwanttheashes #idontwanttheashes" 

It's not even so much the ashes that I want/don't want. 

Maybe it's the sense of community that used to come from attending Ash Wednesday services and being marked for the world to see. 

Maybe it's my current desire to spend my days in scripture, discussing concepts, and reading articles/blogs on Christian topics. 

Maybe it is a recognition of today being the start of something big. 

No matter the reason behind the feeling, it is there. And I am not sure what to do with it. So like I do with most things that fall in this category I will just try not to think about it and move on. Maybe read some scripture too. 

Remade

I cry a lot easier these days. From wounds that have yet to heal, from old wounds that have been broken open. 

I do not sniffle them down or push them away, unless for just a moment to arrive at a more appropriate place to let them flow.

I have not allowed my heartache to make me bitter, though I hurt. 

And sometimes I allow that hurt to overtake me, to bring me to my knees, because I know that in order for a broken bone to heal it needs to be reset and sometimes that is the most painful thing of all. 

So I hurt and I ache, and sometimes everything in me shakes. But I am being broken to be repaired. To be made new. 

I am ruined to be remade. 

November 1, 2013

There is a man who has seen my broken and despite all of that bc all of that he wants to spend time with me. 

And there is a man who loves God with his whole heart and is fearishously pursuing   God who has seen none of my broken, who knows none of my hurt, who is spending time with me not knowing what he is walking into. 

And the refreshing feeling that comes from not having to hide anything from guy 1 has me in fear that the moment guy 2 learns any of this, that he will run. That he will judge and blame and walk away. That no love of God will keep him in my life. 

The current predicament I am in, is that I have shown myself, sin and faults and all to a man who I won't marry, and now I am scared and worried about showing myself to any other man and being rejected. Not being accepted and loved and cared for because of this grossness that I have hidden for so long. Even though it was hard and hurt to expose myself to this man it's refreshing to know that he isn't going anywhere. That our relationship, our friendship is fully intact. And I want to so badly so deeply just confess those things to man 2, just to get it out of the way. To not get invested to not get in to deep, to not be tied in emotionally and have him walk away. Have him see my sin, see my faults and turn and walk away. 

But what if he doesn't? What if he loves me the way God loves me? What if he can look past my mistakes, past my faults and see the broken but forgiven human being that God made me to be?