Not enough

I know most of my jealousy issues stem from a lack of self confidence. A feeling that I am not good enough that I am not worth it. Often times I pray for God to provide me a spouse, a partner that will help me feel confident and secure and loved and then my feelings of jealousy will be cured, will be healed.

 I pray for an outside source to make an inside lacking go away.  I don't pray for healing or strength. I don't pray for confidence and boldness. I do the same thing I have done my whole life. I pray for a husband. I pray to find my hope and security in a man. I don't seek security and comfort in the man who has already shown me how much I am worth. The one who gave his life for me even before I was born. The one who loves me no matter if I love him or not.

I know that no man is perfect and should I ever getting married, my husband will fail. There will be times when he talks to a pretty coworker and because he hasn't complimented my looks that day I will jump the conclusion that he doesn't love me any more and wants to be with her instead.  

I also know and "fully" trust and pray that God will give my husband an understanding heart.  I pray that God will heal me of these issues, and make me a strong woman, who will know that my husband chose me for life and even though I didn't get a compliment that day and that he is talking to a pretty woman because he is a nice human being, that he will come home with me and kiss me goodnight and hold my hand and pray for God to keep our marriage strong. 

God will never provide me with less than I need or more than I can handle. 

I dont know what I want

Period. I dont know what I want with my job. I dont know what I want for supper. I dont know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Heck I dont even know what I want to do with the rest of my night.
This lack of knowing, lack of desire has left me in a rather horrible place. A place where the smallest things make me cry. A place where I am left wondering about everything and nothing. Will I ever fit in? Will I ever get married? Am I valued? Does God see? Does He care? Maybe my relationship with God is like my relationship with so many of my friends right now. He doesn't talk to me because I haven't been talking to Him.

Crushes

I will admit I enjoy a good crush. I like thinking a boy is cute/funny/smart and the way my heart goes fliter flater when he walks by. That initial "I think you are cute" and then as you get to know them more you realize I would never actually date you and it is less commital and you dont have to get them invovled
My favorite kind of crushes are the ones I know I will never act on, the celebrity,  the random guy down the street, the co-worker.
Part of it is that I like the idea of them in my head. The man that I have built them up to be, so I would never act on it and have that bubble burst. The other part is a genuine fear of rejection. So thus the no action.
But still I enjoy the crush. I enjoy the smile that creeps across your face when you see them. The way your heart goes pitter patter when they look your way. And even when the crush has run its course and it over and you have moved on, every once in a while you smile remember the way they used to make you feel.
Strangely enough I also enjoy that moment when through lifes many events you find the flaw. He is in a relationship,  he doesn't love Jesus, he has a thing for country music. That moment when the house of cards comes tumbling down. That moment of total and complete sadness, and after a moment of absurd heartbreak a new crush is formed and the process starts all over again.

FaceSpace

I keep debating over my feelings for Facebook.
On one hand I love that it is an easy way for me to keep track (note: not in touch) with friends and people in my life.
On the other hand I do not like that everyone and everything is connected through it.
Some things to consider: (in no order what so ever)
1) I have been on Facebook since pretty early on. I remember the days when it was only for college students and when my friends at Iowa State had it but I had to wait for Northern Iowa to get it. It was a private club. I liked that, I felt special.
2) My dad is on Facebook. That is just weird.
3) As mentioned previously, I dont actually use Facebook to keep in touch with people. Keeping in touch implies more than just reading their statuses,  checking out their pictures and an occasional comment or like. It implies actual conversation, little to none of which I do. I religiously read statuses and always have to check out the pictures, but barely ever to I use Facebook for anything other than legal stalking.
4) I have often thought about friend requesting every person I have more than 2 mutual friends with. (Horrible grammer I know)  It would be a fascinating case in Its a Small World.  Everytime I think about I talk myself out of it. Mostly because by doing so it would allow these strangers into my world.
In a blog I have thought about, but not posted or written much of, are the truths about my fortress.  The elaborate system of walls, which I have built to protect myself. If I friend request every Tom, Dick, and Sally, I am allowing guest passes into Jannaland. I am not ok with that. (Confession: I have 3 different email accounts, a FB account (duh), a Twitter account (not connected in any way(on purpose)) and this blog, all so I can keep parts of my life separated)
Also it really annoys me when people I dont know ask to be my facebook friend.
5) I also often think about defriending most people on my current friend list. Those people from college who I never speak to, and if I ran into them at the mall, wouldn't know what to say to them. But I can usually justify most of the people staying. "They're family, if I unfriend them it would create family tension." "This is a good business contact." "If I ever find myself in XYZ city, I can use this person for info." "They always have funny posts." "I like seeing pictures of their cute kids" Nothing good, nothing valid. But yet they remain my "friends". Maybe I need to go back to my old thought of "If I would enjoy a meal with you, you can be my facebook friend."
6) I completely dislike that EVERYTHING has a Facebook page now. My favorite band, the grocery store, the bowling alley, the apartment complex. I do not like that so much of my world, of THE world is contained in one little website. (I almost called it an app, until I remembered that it does still exist mostly as a website.) If Facebook dies, so much dies with it. My trust issues are not ok with that.

But yet there it is, this thing that rules so much of my world, so much of the world period. There it sits and there it shall stay until I can learn to actually keep in touch with people and deal with a lack of information.

P.S. I got really distracted while typing this and starting thinking about comas, colons, and semi-colons, more than I should. I should probably learn how to use the last two better.

The three year itch

Outside of the city I grew up in, three years is the average duration of time I've spent living in a location. 3 years in college town, 3 years in post college town, and now 3 years here.
This past fall when I officially hit my three year mark I thought about having a celebration. I had set down roots and had broken a record.
Now at three years and three months, I am starting to get the itch. The time for change, do something drastic, move to LA itch.
Every other time it was easy. I had graduated college and most of my friends has left town. I wasn't going where I dreamed career wise and hadn't really put down roots, just some temp posts to keep me from blowing over.
But here, here I have a home. I have a church that I love and that loves me. I have friendships that aren't just out of habit or because we live in the same space, but because we desire to be in each others lives and know each other and be known.  I have roots and they are intertwined with the city and the people who live here.
But I still have the itch. The desire for change, for something new.
How easy it would be for me to move cities, for me to crash on a friend's couch for a couple months and get my barrings. (One of the perks of having friends spread out all over the country.)  But I think about my life here and my friends here. No, moving cities for the sake of moving is no longer an option.
And I think about my job, and just up and quiting.  But I wouldn't do that. I am the two weeks notice, responsible type of girl.  Plus we are still in a recession and jobs aren't just growing on trees.
So what do I do? Previously when I have had an itch I couldn't scratch,  I have chopped off my hair, chemically straighten it, and dyed it. The first two aren't happening, I love my long curls. The third is always a possibility.  I have also gotten tattooed,  I have bought a new car, I have painted my apartment,  I have done massive purges of most everything I own. Just got a tattoo,  rearranged my apartment and did a minor purge.
Just enough to make the itch worse, to acknowledge that it is actually there.
Maybe tomorrow I will dye my hair, but if I am not careful I might end up unemployed by the end of the week.

Home for the Holidays

I enjoy those realizations one has when they go home for the holidays.
Those moments when you are 31 years old and sharing a room with a 4 yr old. When all your stuff is in the laundry room because 4 yr old parents and all their stuff join you in the already small room. And you think about how unloved you feel because you had to make 4 trips out to unload your car (even though you asked multiple times for help) but siblings with spouses and kids only did 1 or 2.
And you try and trace back those moments as to why your relationship with your father is so strained. And then you have this awkwardly awesome moment of clarity where you realize your desire to get married has only a small portion to do with your own personal life but tons more to do with family holidays and wanting to get priority in sleeping arrangements. And wanting to avoid the awkward conversation with family members about getting out there and meeting someone.

Now I get why I hate being single during the holidays.

The Past

<p>Tonight I got a very unexpected friend request. The man who has the record for my longest relationship wanted to be my facebook friend. The man who I dated off and on for 3 years, cheating on me and breaking my heart multiple times, wanted back in my life after no contact for over 6 years. <br>
It took me a long time to get over him, to get over those feelings of hurt and betrayal from a man who said he wanted to marry me, who wanted to father my children. <br>
I had closed and locked the door on that part of my life. I no longer associated with people from that time, I avoided the places we would hang out. I had moved on.
And tonight, tonight I was faced with all of that all over again. Those feelings of hurt and betrayal as I saw his name and the photo of him with his wife and kids.
Five years ago I would have cried. I would have grabbed a bottle of wine, and drank until the tears contained nothing but alcohol. I would have made some phone calls and let my anger guide me down a path of poor choices.
But tonight, as my heart sank as those memories came flooding back, I was allowed a moment of reflection. I am no longer that girl that would allow a second and third chance to a boy who cheated on me. I am no longer the girl who would let her pain lead her down a path of destruction.  I am no longer the girl who would drown her tears in alcohol.
I am now the woman who moves on. The woman who recognizes her pain and lets it go. The woman who sees her past and by the grace of God does not have to relive it. There might still be tears tonight, not out of pain, but out of thankfulness to a God who has saved me from it all. A God who has blessed me more than I deserve, a God who will continue to bless me more than I can imagine.

I will not be adding to my friends list tonight or anytime in the near future, not that name anyway.