Currently I have a bit of a "celeb" crush on Joshua "Fatty" Olds. He plays bass in a band called Family Force 5. I go through phases where I think that he and I could actually be together. As though I have a real chance of meeting him (which isn't that far off, there is about 2 or 3 degrees of seperation between us) and of us falling in love. That is a happy wonderful beautiful world.
Then I look at pictures of his beautiful sister in laws. I am talking drop dead gorgeous sister in laws (sisters in law???). The type of women that you see walking down the street and wonder if they are real or just figments of your imagination. I look at those women and think about a life where I would be constently comparing myself to them. Living in the same town, touring with them, family holidays. A world where me and my size 10 jeans won't fit in with their size 2 perfect faces and perfect hair.
Every insecurity comes up in me when I look at those women. Even if I could get over my body issues, these women are talented and smart (ok not sure about the smart but I am assuming) and any thought I have of being with this man flies out the window. I am inferior to these women in so many ways. Why would he go for me when these are the examples of women he could have.
Blah sucky pitty party. I am over it. Back to my regular life where I do things like look for apartments and jobs and not dream about marrying a hottie.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tears
I don't think I have cried so much in my life as I have in the last month. Mostly tears of saddness and pain and confusion, with a few drops of love and joy.
I think even when I lived in CA and didnt know where my money was coming from and whose couch I was going to sleep on next I didn't shed this many tears. Partly bc I didn't have a place to do so.
I don't think I ever realized how hard living with family would be/is. I also never realized how I suck a communication and telling people what I want/need and where I am at in life. I really am such an independent person that it is truly truly hard for me to reach out to others. For me to tell others what I am thinking, how I am feeling, what my plans and ideas are is like pulling teeth. But I love talking to people and I am definetly an extrovert in that I often feel like if I dont tell someone then it isn't real. But yet I keep pretty much everything inside. All the big stuff anyway.
Moments like this and nights like tonight make me wonder how/if I will ever have a successful relationship. Romantic or otherwise.
I think even when I lived in CA and didnt know where my money was coming from and whose couch I was going to sleep on next I didn't shed this many tears. Partly bc I didn't have a place to do so.
I don't think I ever realized how hard living with family would be/is. I also never realized how I suck a communication and telling people what I want/need and where I am at in life. I really am such an independent person that it is truly truly hard for me to reach out to others. For me to tell others what I am thinking, how I am feeling, what my plans and ideas are is like pulling teeth. But I love talking to people and I am definetly an extrovert in that I often feel like if I dont tell someone then it isn't real. But yet I keep pretty much everything inside. All the big stuff anyway.
Moments like this and nights like tonight make me wonder how/if I will ever have a successful relationship. Romantic or otherwise.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I found out today that a guy I know got married. I had no clue that he was in a serious relationship so it came as a total surprise to me. To be totally honest, I felt betrayed. Not like I am overly close to this guy who that he would even call me or say hi to me in the mall (He is in a band and I have worked with him on several concerts but I feel non rememberable to him, which is a whole other story)
I feel officially crazy that my reaction to this news was that. But betrayal probably isn't the right word either.
As I mentioned earlier he is in a band, and said band is performing in town tonight. I have gone back and forth all week about going. I enjoy their music and enjoy supporting smaller bands but also back to earlier because I have this wierd relationship with him and the band as a whole, who I know but don't know or they don't know me or whatever. It has feels wierd to have those sort of relationships but I do, I have several of them actually. I guess that is what happens when you don't let people get close to you. Or you just have a really good memory and other people dont.
So when I learned today that he got married yesterday it made the decision for me not to go to the concert. That is right. I found out he is married and so I am not going.
Is he even going to be there? He got married yesterday he shouldn't be there. He should be hanging with his new wife.
I am not sure why I have such strong feelings towards this but I do, almost to the point of convictions.
Maybe it is all because if I fell in love with a rockstar I would want him to take alot of time off around our wedding. I want to love being Mrs. Rockstar for a week before he goes back on the road.
I feel officially crazy that my reaction to this news was that. But betrayal probably isn't the right word either.
As I mentioned earlier he is in a band, and said band is performing in town tonight. I have gone back and forth all week about going. I enjoy their music and enjoy supporting smaller bands but also back to earlier because I have this wierd relationship with him and the band as a whole, who I know but don't know or they don't know me or whatever. It has feels wierd to have those sort of relationships but I do, I have several of them actually. I guess that is what happens when you don't let people get close to you. Or you just have a really good memory and other people dont.
So when I learned today that he got married yesterday it made the decision for me not to go to the concert. That is right. I found out he is married and so I am not going.
Is he even going to be there? He got married yesterday he shouldn't be there. He should be hanging with his new wife.
I am not sure why I have such strong feelings towards this but I do, almost to the point of convictions.
Maybe it is all because if I fell in love with a rockstar I would want him to take alot of time off around our wedding. I want to love being Mrs. Rockstar for a week before he goes back on the road.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)