Darkness

I feel like I have been in the dark alot lately.
Maybe partly because I am literally sitting in the dark. The sun still hasn't invaded my room for the day and thus I lie in bed and write.

But honestly I have felt very in the dark about other things as well. For example, there is a concert tonight which means I am supposed to work, but I have yet to receive an email, phone call, any sort of notification as to what time I am supposed to be there. I thought about just showing up but "call times" have ranged from 4 to 5pm so I have NO clue. I sent Pam (my boss) an email last week bc I was going to be late for last weeks show and asked if she knew about the time for this week and when she responded she didn't know about this week yet and since I was late for last week I didn't hear announcements when she usually says call time but she usually sends out an email as well, so I emailed her yesterday and will probably be calling her today as well. I just feel like something happened that i don't know about, like i got fired or we aren't having a full crew and so if you didn't get an email you aren't working. i feel like it is something i should know about but I don't. I will get over it in a bit and give her a call and get things figured out. But it just makes me nervous, etc.

Other darkness, I am "suppossed" to be moving this week, but my leasing agent is pretty impossible to get ahold of and so I have these feelings like maybe I don't have the apartment, maybe I am not actually moving.

Maybe this post should be about doubt and fear instead of darkness. But I guess they are all related in some way. My doubts and fears have brought on this darkness, have brought on these feelings of being lost and confused, and everything else.
It is kinda funny and sad and loserish all at the same time but last night on "So You Think You Can Dance" one of the guys talked about how often in his life he tries so hard only to fail, and so he doesnt always put 100% into things, because of the pain that comes from that. That is how I feel today or lately or always. Ok not always just alot of the time. Or I feel right now that I feel like that alot of the time even though that is probably not true and my brain is just crowded with all this negative junk right now.