November 1, 2013

There is a man who has seen my broken and despite all of that bc all of that he wants to spend time with me. 

And there is a man who loves God with his whole heart and is fearishously pursuing   God who has seen none of my broken, who knows none of my hurt, who is spending time with me not knowing what he is walking into. 

And the refreshing feeling that comes from not having to hide anything from guy 1 has me in fear that the moment guy 2 learns any of this, that he will run. That he will judge and blame and walk away. That no love of God will keep him in my life. 

The current predicament I am in, is that I have shown myself, sin and faults and all to a man who I won't marry, and now I am scared and worried about showing myself to any other man and being rejected. Not being accepted and loved and cared for because of this grossness that I have hidden for so long. Even though it was hard and hurt to expose myself to this man it's refreshing to know that he isn't going anywhere. That our relationship, our friendship is fully intact. And I want to so badly so deeply just confess those things to man 2, just to get it out of the way. To not get invested to not get in to deep, to not be tied in emotionally and have him walk away. Have him see my sin, see my faults and turn and walk away. 

But what if he doesn't? What if he loves me the way God loves me? What if he can look past my mistakes, past my faults and see the broken but forgiven human being that God made me to be?

The End

I am almost finished reading the entire Bible. I started in January of 2012 and was hoping but not planning on finishing before 2014.

My church did it as a church body in 2012, but I of course got off track and got behind. So I made a promise to myself when 2013 came around and I was still in the readings from July that I wouldn't drink any alcohol until I finished the Bible. 

So far I have kept that promise. I have had at least 3 dreams in which I drank, some in which I drank fully knowing that I was breaking my promise to myself, some in which I had forgotten and then as I started drinking remembered and stopped. 

But has now been a full year since alcohol has touched me lips. 

I wanted to hurry up and finish reading because I would have very much liked to celebrate New Years with a glass of champagne.

Part of me is expecting something amazing to happen when I finish those final words. As if some great miracle will occur. The heavens will part and God's will in my life will be made clear. 

The realistic part if me says that isn't possible, and is maybe even scared that something won't happen.

That the only event that will occur when I finally read Revelations 22:11 is that my roommates and friends will pop open a bottle of champagne. That there will be no significant life event that will coincide with me finally reading every bit of God's written word. I will have just finished a book. 

And that makes me sad. That keeps me from opening up my Bible right now and pushing through the final 40 pages. It will just be the end.

I expressed this feeling to a co-worker who in better words than I could ever write, informed me that it would be ok if something major didn't happen in those last words but that I would now have this knowledge stored away for future use. 

I hope that is true.

But I would also take a major revelation from God.

A year in review

I decided to look back at previous posts on Twitter and Facebook before I wrote my 2013 end of year wrap up letter (not Christmas letter those are to hard to get out in time)

I was a little surprised about how some of  my prayers from the beginning of 2013, are the same prayers I am saying at the end of 2013. 

"If you pray for God to take away something because it isn't apart of His plan, dont be surprised when He takes it away." "#womendontloveamanwholovesothers"

When I turned 32 in the summer I remember making a list of all the things I was going to finally do. I am currently unable to find that list but I remember one of them being to see a counselor. To seek help for the things that have plagued my emotional and spiritual life for so long.  

When I finally made that decision this fall it wasn't because I had remembered this list. It was out of sheer desperation. It was a call for help that arouse out of meeting a man who was just as broken if not more broken than myself. It was me stating that I no longer wanted to be that hot headed woman who when faced with trials would ran away, who would start a fire just to make sure the other person ran first, so I could be the hurt one.

So I sought help.

 I now meet with a lovely professionally trained Christian woman roughly once a week. Usually it just involves me sitting there and telling her all the latest drama that arises from being in a relationship with a broken man. And her sitting there telling me that she is proud that I didn't cuss him out, and that I got out of the car and cried in the middle of a parking lot instead of crossing any lines. It's not so much that she has amazingly wise words to say, because often the things she says are common sense. But its common sense I need to hear. It's things that in my hot headed emotionally charged brain I often can't seem to get at. It's knowing that every week I have to sit across from her for an hour and tell her everything that has led me back to her couch. It's knowing that even when I am not praying for the "right" things, that she is praying for ALL things. 

This is not exactly where I planned this post to go. I planned on writing about how I once again am praying for God to take away things that aren't in His plan and realizing when He does that and move on. 

It was going to be about how I once wrote that the problems of our world revolve around shows like The Bachelor in which women let themselves fall for a guy who loves other women. 

It was going to be about how the year is spherical and we always circle back. 

Instead it became about how I no longer wish to do that. How I have made the decision to break the cycle. 

2014 will not end the way it started. 

2014 will be the year in which I and hopefully others, break the cycle and step out of old patterns and start making real changes in our lives. And if we need help to do it, we seek help. 

Shutdown

Somedays I just can't deal so I shut down.

I can't deal with the rain and the cold. I can't deal with sharing my heart with someone and them not caring. I can't deal with the overly attached girl who needs to tell me all her problems. I can't deal with the boy who isn't what I need. I can't deal with the God that won't take away the pain. I can't deal with the friend who only thinks of themself.

So I shut down. I crawl into bed and pretend the world doesn't exist. Like I don't have to fit in a workout, or do laundry or clean my room or prep for Bible study or return text messages. 

I crawl into bed and close my eyes and wish it all away. I don't pray it away. I don't ask the Savior I believe in, to give me strength, or to take it away. I don't tell people that I need space or time. I just stop. As if stopping will make it all go away. As if during those moments the world will figure itself out without me and I will be able to step back in and be at a better place than before.

Granted there are some times when this is the case. When I just need to step away, calm myself down, get some sleep that I have been missing. 

However this is not always the case and no matter how much I will the problems and issues and overwhelming nature of life to just disappear, it does not and I am still stuck facing it all. 

Not enough

I know most of my jealousy issues stem from a lack of self confidence. A feeling that I am not good enough that I am not worth it. Often times I pray for God to provide me a spouse, a partner that will help me feel confident and secure and loved and then my feelings of jealousy will be cured, will be healed.

 I pray for an outside source to make an inside lacking go away.  I don't pray for healing or strength. I don't pray for confidence and boldness. I do the same thing I have done my whole life. I pray for a husband. I pray to find my hope and security in a man. I don't seek security and comfort in the man who has already shown me how much I am worth. The one who gave his life for me even before I was born. The one who loves me no matter if I love him or not.

I know that no man is perfect and should I ever getting married, my husband will fail. There will be times when he talks to a pretty coworker and because he hasn't complimented my looks that day I will jump the conclusion that he doesn't love me any more and wants to be with her instead.  

I also know and "fully" trust and pray that God will give my husband an understanding heart.  I pray that God will heal me of these issues, and make me a strong woman, who will know that my husband chose me for life and even though I didn't get a compliment that day and that he is talking to a pretty woman because he is a nice human being, that he will come home with me and kiss me goodnight and hold my hand and pray for God to keep our marriage strong. 

God will never provide me with less than I need or more than I can handle. 

I dont know what I want

Period. I dont know what I want with my job. I dont know what I want for supper. I dont know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Heck I dont even know what I want to do with the rest of my night.
This lack of knowing, lack of desire has left me in a rather horrible place. A place where the smallest things make me cry. A place where I am left wondering about everything and nothing. Will I ever fit in? Will I ever get married? Am I valued? Does God see? Does He care? Maybe my relationship with God is like my relationship with so many of my friends right now. He doesn't talk to me because I haven't been talking to Him.

Crushes

I will admit I enjoy a good crush. I like thinking a boy is cute/funny/smart and the way my heart goes fliter flater when he walks by. That initial "I think you are cute" and then as you get to know them more you realize I would never actually date you and it is less commital and you dont have to get them invovled
My favorite kind of crushes are the ones I know I will never act on, the celebrity,  the random guy down the street, the co-worker.
Part of it is that I like the idea of them in my head. The man that I have built them up to be, so I would never act on it and have that bubble burst. The other part is a genuine fear of rejection. So thus the no action.
But still I enjoy the crush. I enjoy the smile that creeps across your face when you see them. The way your heart goes pitter patter when they look your way. And even when the crush has run its course and it over and you have moved on, every once in a while you smile remember the way they used to make you feel.
Strangely enough I also enjoy that moment when through lifes many events you find the flaw. He is in a relationship,  he doesn't love Jesus, he has a thing for country music. That moment when the house of cards comes tumbling down. That moment of total and complete sadness, and after a moment of absurd heartbreak a new crush is formed and the process starts all over again.